I've been incredibly busy this past week, mostly babysitting. I've been spending 10 hour days at the home of Kristi and Martin helping to watch Alison, Maya and Serena. I'm thoroughly exhausted, and wonder how I'll ever cope with my own future kids. I've been busy, but some of that busy-ness is a strategically planned distraction from my own abysmal emotions. I'm afraid that if I have time to sit down by myself that I'll start thinking about Ashley and my anger toward her. I don't want to be angry at her, and I'm not even sure if I know how to be angry at her for more than 5 seconds. I've spent most of my life working hard at suppressing any anger I might feel, so now actually accessing that anger feels like twice as much work as it was suppressing it.
Yesterday Zach received a CD he ordered called "I heard it on NPR-at home in the world". It's an awesome collection of world music. There's one song in particular called "Via Con Me" by Paolo Conte, and it's like a swingy-er, hipper Dean Martin. There's also the song "Homeless" by Paul Simon and Ladysmith Black Mambazo, and it made me cry, because it's from the album "Graceland" that my whole family used to listen to in the car wherever we needed to go for like 6 months. Ashley really liked that album.
I won't be posting much in the next two weeks. I'll be in San Francisco from July 4-8 and in Baltimore the weekend of the 9th.
Have a safe and happy 4th!
26.6.05
"A Busy Busy Backson"
As Pooh would say.
I spent Saturday afternoon helping some friends move into a house in town about five miles away from their old house. Their new house is something right out of Swiss Family Robinson. It's a 1960s style rancher, BUT it is an amazing house. I never liked ranchers, but this one is a nice, dark wood with a red tin roof. The ceilings are high, and there are windows everywhere. There are also several little lofts, one of which you get to through the kitchen by climbing up a small, wooden ladder through an opening about 18 inches wide. In the basement there is a wine cellar, replete with greek columns where the beams stand and grape vines painted as a border around the room. The floor in the foyer, kitchen and dining room is made of slate. There are tiered flower beds out back, and there is a trellis full of wisteria at the entrance. I am so jealous right now. I really want my own house.
Later that night Zach and I went out with Liz and Jay to a new bar in town called Pickles. It used to be an expensive men's clothing store. Now it's a ritsy bar that looks like a dance studio. All the front windows open up wide so there's no stench of cigarette smoke, and a 12 oz beer only costs $2.00.
This morning I went to help out friends of mine who just adopted a baby. They already have two little girls, Alison and Maya, and now Serena makes three. I really enjoy being at their house, as opposed to some other homes with small children. When I was there on Thursday Maya, who's nearly 3, came in from outside and informed me that her toenails had melted. I guess I underestimated how hot it really was, but then I realized that she had painted them before going outside and all the nailpolish came off.
A week from tomorrow I'll fly to San Francisco with my mom. I'm nervous to be on vacation for 4 whole days with just my mom, but I'm also super excited about seeing San Francisco. I'm also looking forward to the mild temperatures; I've heard the temp. stays between 40 and 80 degrees all year long. I am amazed at how well I've adjusted to the stifling heat and humidity, though. I always remembered summers being like this when I was little. You'd walk outside at 7:00 in the morning and the heat would hit you like a wall. It caught your breath and made it difficult to breathe. Maybe I didn't mind it so much because I'm kind of a glutton for punishment. I guess that's why I still don't mind it, and because I like to push myself to extreme limits. Now I'm going to take an ice, cold bath.
I spent Saturday afternoon helping some friends move into a house in town about five miles away from their old house. Their new house is something right out of Swiss Family Robinson. It's a 1960s style rancher, BUT it is an amazing house. I never liked ranchers, but this one is a nice, dark wood with a red tin roof. The ceilings are high, and there are windows everywhere. There are also several little lofts, one of which you get to through the kitchen by climbing up a small, wooden ladder through an opening about 18 inches wide. In the basement there is a wine cellar, replete with greek columns where the beams stand and grape vines painted as a border around the room. The floor in the foyer, kitchen and dining room is made of slate. There are tiered flower beds out back, and there is a trellis full of wisteria at the entrance. I am so jealous right now. I really want my own house.
Later that night Zach and I went out with Liz and Jay to a new bar in town called Pickles. It used to be an expensive men's clothing store. Now it's a ritsy bar that looks like a dance studio. All the front windows open up wide so there's no stench of cigarette smoke, and a 12 oz beer only costs $2.00.
This morning I went to help out friends of mine who just adopted a baby. They already have two little girls, Alison and Maya, and now Serena makes three. I really enjoy being at their house, as opposed to some other homes with small children. When I was there on Thursday Maya, who's nearly 3, came in from outside and informed me that her toenails had melted. I guess I underestimated how hot it really was, but then I realized that she had painted them before going outside and all the nailpolish came off.
A week from tomorrow I'll fly to San Francisco with my mom. I'm nervous to be on vacation for 4 whole days with just my mom, but I'm also super excited about seeing San Francisco. I'm also looking forward to the mild temperatures; I've heard the temp. stays between 40 and 80 degrees all year long. I am amazed at how well I've adjusted to the stifling heat and humidity, though. I always remembered summers being like this when I was little. You'd walk outside at 7:00 in the morning and the heat would hit you like a wall. It caught your breath and made it difficult to breathe. Maybe I didn't mind it so much because I'm kind of a glutton for punishment. I guess that's why I still don't mind it, and because I like to push myself to extreme limits. Now I'm going to take an ice, cold bath.
21.6.05
Solstice
Welcome first day of summer! The longest day of the year! I went biking and swimming at the university's outdoor pool today. I also played in the sandbox with Jack, who is 3. Jack's family has a cute, little kitten named Cosmo who kept getting stuck in toy boxes. What better way is there to bring in the summer? Then I had a chicken curry salad on a wrap with avocado, pineapple, and mango chutney. It was delicious. That sums up all the good stuff that happened today, and I think I'll leave it at that.
14.6.05
Weepy Violets and Dry Eyes
There is one, lone purple bud on my African Violet plant that I discovered this morning. It hasn't bloomed in years, and I'm not really sure what prompted it to do so now. I recently moved it from the kitchen to the living room where it gets the same amount of sun, maybe even a bit less. I also recently overwatered it. For three days Zach complained of wiping water off the coffee table after his books or newspapers inevitably got saturated in it. I did feed it a few times last month. Who knows. It was a pleasant surprise, though, as I discovered it after hanging up from an hour-long phone "conversation" with Jennifer from my health insurance company. I was calling about two claims, one from last August and one from March 2004. We got absolutely nothing resolved. Basically I have to resubmit the claims, because they, conveniently, have no record of either of them. I felt like crying. It's funny that I felt like crying over unprocessed claims and not the recently (yet not uncommon) strained relationship with my mom. Maybe the tears were disguised for my mom. I've got nothing else tonight. My eyes and my fingers are dry.
8.6.05
Sticky and Sweaty
I've been overwhelmed by life's little nuisances lately, like paying bills, making dinner, remembering to water my plants, etc...I wish I could forget about something for once. I'm plagued by a super reliant, overly- efficient mind. At any rate, that's hardly an excuse for not posting more often. It's always on my mind, but it gets pushed back to the "Not-As-Important" corner of my brain where it just sits making me feel guilty.
Things have been "good enough" lately (what is with me and quotation marks tonight?! It's just something else to annoy myself with). Things are not great but not bad either. I've been babysitting a lot and expanding the limits of my patience. Sometimes I watch the kids trying to master a new skill and think about how much it's going to help them later in life, but then I wonder how much any of those skills has really helped me. Maybe I didn't learn anything the right way. Then again, maybe I'm just too hard on myself.
It's been really hot the past two days. It hardly ever hits 90 degrees in State College, but it has two days in a row now. I sound like I'm complaining, but really I don't mind it so much. Growing up my mom always kept the air conditioning at arctic levels. My sisters and I would come in from swimming and turn blue underneath piles of afghans. Now Zach and I don't have AC, but I find that the body adjusts. Of course, I'm not talking about living in the super humidity of the south, but it gets fairly hot and humid in Pennsylvania. So you can imagine me sitting at the desk typing while sweat accumulates underneath my bra and behind my knees making my legs stick to the chair, and how much I really need a shower right now after playing with a two-year old all afternoon. That's me. No appearances to be upheld right now.
Things have been "good enough" lately (what is with me and quotation marks tonight?! It's just something else to annoy myself with). Things are not great but not bad either. I've been babysitting a lot and expanding the limits of my patience. Sometimes I watch the kids trying to master a new skill and think about how much it's going to help them later in life, but then I wonder how much any of those skills has really helped me. Maybe I didn't learn anything the right way. Then again, maybe I'm just too hard on myself.
It's been really hot the past two days. It hardly ever hits 90 degrees in State College, but it has two days in a row now. I sound like I'm complaining, but really I don't mind it so much. Growing up my mom always kept the air conditioning at arctic levels. My sisters and I would come in from swimming and turn blue underneath piles of afghans. Now Zach and I don't have AC, but I find that the body adjusts. Of course, I'm not talking about living in the super humidity of the south, but it gets fairly hot and humid in Pennsylvania. So you can imagine me sitting at the desk typing while sweat accumulates underneath my bra and behind my knees making my legs stick to the chair, and how much I really need a shower right now after playing with a two-year old all afternoon. That's me. No appearances to be upheld right now.
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