Organic Mayo and Brussel Sprouts

I am so obsessed with blogs!! Nancy, this is your fault. I never even knew they existed before last June. But I'm thankful for my new obsession. It's actually good for me. I read about other people's lives and know that I'm not alone when it comes to things like depression. It's so refreshing to hear other people talk about it, because it's constantly on my mind. I can also write about my own life right here, which is really good for me. And it lets Nancy know what I'm up to since I always seem to miss her calls and am too lazy to pick up the phone and dial her number myself. It's nothing personal. I'm just SO not a phone person. I run and hide when it rings. So all-in-all I'm feeling pretty content right now, so maybe I'll put off that phone call home for a few more hours (or days).

I just got back from food shopping at Wegman's. It always takes me twice as long to shop there as it does at Giant, and somehow I end up spending more on fewer items. I know why, though. It's because Wegman's is laid out so nice and pretty. I'm totally sucked into the facade. I do have to say, however, that their produce is much more plentiful and fresher than most other grocery stores I've seen. I end up buying things I would NEVER otherwise buy, like fresh brussel sprouts, which I do love btw, flax seeds, and tinted lip balm and facial cream with Vit. D, both of which are not tested on animals AND are organic. The reason I went to that store in the first place was to get some organic mayo. Zach loves this brand called Canes (do I need one of those little Rs next to that to let people know it's trademarked?) , which is only sold in New England. I am also hooked on it now. I was never a mayonnaise person before I got married. Anyway, Wegman's does not carry Canes, but I know they have organic mayo which I thought might be good, at least better than Hellman's (another little R there). It was the last item I picked up in the store, and I had to go back and look for it. I am just struck dumb when I'm in that store. I suppose if I went more often I would know what they stock and not be so amazed by the selection. Wegman's really has become a hot spot in State College.

The mayonnaise is decent and the brussel sprouts were great!

Hurting

Today I really miss my sisters. I miss the way things used to be a long time ago. I miss the times we spent conspiring against each other or my parents, I miss our old ways of fighting and arguing about crossing that imaginary line in the backseat of the car, I miss watching tv together on a Friday night, but most of all I miss their health and their presence in my life. I would give my right arm if it meant they could both be healthy again. This is the most I've ever felt the loss of my sisters, and it hurts. I know that they are still here, but they are both struggling with their health. I am struggling with knowing that things will never be as they once were or as I once thought they would be. There is nothing that could ever replace my sisters.

My Newly Discovered Talent:

Chugging water.

I can go through the entire alphabet in my head while chugging water. without taking a breath.

Why, you ask?

Because on the days when I go for a run and drink my daily half cup of coffee, I am in a state of hydration deficit (not quite the same as dehydration), and if I just drink a glass of water here and there, I won't be able to achieve equilibrium for the next five days. The whole delicate system is thrown off, and that equilibrium includes the functioning of my bowels. If they aren't working regularly, then I'm a bear, and being a constipated bear interferes with the stability and sanctity of my marriage. So for the sake of my marriage, I've developed the talent, or survival technique, of chugging water.

On the Fringe

I'm living on the fringe today. It's been a day of preparing, thinking, and eventually doing, but somehow it feels as if I'm not really in or part of the day. My surroundings feel distant and unreal, flat and two-dimensional. My body has been placed onto the surroundings of the day, but not in them. It's like those colorforms that we played with as kids. You place the plasticy, sticky figures onto the shiny, cardboardy background and create a scene. I'm the plasticy figure sticking to the background, just stuck there, with no way of really moving. There's me on one side and the world on the other, and they're at odds with each other.
I can't really figure out how this happens. It's a bright, sunny day, I'm getting along well with Zach, and I'm sleeping well, eating well, and getting plenty of fresh air. I start to wonder if I'm brooding too much, and, after a few more hours of brooding, I conclude that I am.
Okay. So now that's been established.
Thinking about this coming winter and what I'm going to do once my teaching position ends is frightening. I love fall and winter, but they are typically times when I feel most depressed, and I certainly don't want to have nothing to do come January. It's hard not to think that these feelings will last forever, and when I do talk about them I feel like a whiny baby. I'm really scared of what could happen. Could something like what happened last winter (the debilitating depression, self harm and thoughts of/plans for suicide) happen ever again? The effects from that time are still lingering, and I'm afraid that even if I did feel 100% better, that I could get sideswiped by it all again. What would be worse, being sideswiped or living in a heightened state of anxiety? I don't know right now. Right now it feels like I have no other viable option. So I'm living on the fringe, worrying about it, and trying to make sense of it all. Maybe it will never make sense.

Good Grief

Wow. I am so off today. It's another Monday-Friday for me. It's one of those days where the whole world is just so terrible and rotten. No one and nothing is going to make me happy, nor do I particularly want to be happy. I want to stew in my terrible, rotten thoughts. It's one of those days when you feel like everyone is judging your every word, action, expression, or thought. Of course I'm my own worst judge, but that's still no consolation.
Ugh.
I feel like Charlie Brown.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

I am feeling pretty good today, despite the results of the presidential election. The one consoling thing I have right now is that all of my friends (and most of my family) feel the same way I do about the state of our country and the direction the current administration is taking us (not good). It's unfair, but I suppose the other half million people who actually voted for Bush would have felt the same way had Kerry won. I am just dumbfounded that Bush was elected, but then again I don't know why I am surprised given the irresponsibility of the media and the evangelical Christian fundamentalism that has been propagated by Bush. By today's standards, to be Christian = to be Republican. That's really a shame, and it undermines true Christianity. I feel like I need to do something, but I don't know what, at least not yet.
As I said, though, I am feeling pretty good, and that's because I'm feeling connected to all those who are as bitterly disappointed as I am. I feel a need to stick together, because, much to the demise of the Bush administration and all those ultraconservatives, we're not going away.

Long live the fight for gay marriage, stem-cell research, better environmental protection, a woman's right to choose, and basic human rights! The pendulum will inevitably swing back to the left. So here's to Nov. 4, 2008. That will be a nice birthday bonus for you, Nancy. In the meantime, I will be living my life by the standards and values that I believe in. It will be interesting to see what happens over the next four years.