21.9.05
Goodbye Summer
It's been one of those weeks where I feel like I just can't get started. It started on Sunday when I was dog/cat sitting for my parents, and I ended up leaving their house 3 hours later than I had originally planned. Monday was Monday, but Tuesday started off with such a gloomy feel to it, that I felt paralyzed. I couldn't get anything done at work, so I went to Walmart and bought a football for the kids to play with afterschool. I felt like sitting down and crying in the middle of Walmart, because it is so enormous, impersonal, smelly and fluorescent. Now it's happened again today. I went for a run after working this morning, and here I sit, 3 hours later in my apt. NOT working. I did do a lot of housework, but that was obviously one of my old distraction mechanisms I resort to from time to time. I really didn't need to clean. I'm feeling overwhelmed and very anxious. I get these surges of adrenaline for seemingly no reason that leave me feeling weak. Granted today is a beautiful, sunny day, I sense the changes that the fall and winter will bring about. I'm really anxious about this upcoming winter and all the memories of Ashley's death that it will bring. I realize that the anticipation of it all is much worse than the thing itself will actually be, but how do you come to terms with that?
16.9.05
Teddy Bear Teddy Bear Turn Around!
I made it through the first full week of the after school program where I now work, and I am thoroughly exhausted. There are several factors involved, such as:
a. working full time for the first time in a year
b. playing kickball, baseball and jumping rope almost every afternoon with the kids in the hot sun
c. waking up early, too early. I don't need to get up until 6:00, but I've been waking at 5:30
(and even 4:15 one day)
d. worrying about planning activities and discipline techniques
e. my already ridiculously heightened sensation of "I can do it ALL" increases
So today I carved out some time to just sit in my car and listen to music for half an hour, and I actually did it. This is a big achievement for me. I don't usually just sit around doing "nothing". It really is a skill to allow yourself to sit and just be and to face all the problems that have been plaguing you. My usual coping mechanism involves running away, and I mean literally running. I've cut back on running drastically, and, to my own amazement, nothing bad has happened.
It was while I was sitting around that I realized how tired I actually am. I also realized that the intersection of Burrowes and Fairmount is really hazardous.
a. working full time for the first time in a year
b. playing kickball, baseball and jumping rope almost every afternoon with the kids in the hot sun
c. waking up early, too early. I don't need to get up until 6:00, but I've been waking at 5:30
(and even 4:15 one day)
d. worrying about planning activities and discipline techniques
e. my already ridiculously heightened sensation of "I can do it ALL" increases
So today I carved out some time to just sit in my car and listen to music for half an hour, and I actually did it. This is a big achievement for me. I don't usually just sit around doing "nothing". It really is a skill to allow yourself to sit and just be and to face all the problems that have been plaguing you. My usual coping mechanism involves running away, and I mean literally running. I've cut back on running drastically, and, to my own amazement, nothing bad has happened.
It was while I was sitting around that I realized how tired I actually am. I also realized that the intersection of Burrowes and Fairmount is really hazardous.
9.9.05
Requirement: no dizziness, nausea or lightheadedness
Thursday night I attempted to donate blood at a local Red Cross drive. For those of you who know me, you can stop snickering now. If you know me well, then you know that I get queasy at the mere mention of blood. I don't need to know that there is actually blood flowing through the veins and arteries inside my body. I can't stand the thought of somebody puncturing through my skin and veins with a needle to let out what is supposed to stay within.
About 10 years ago when I was a freshman in college, I had my finger pricked for a cholesterol test at a health fair. I didn't feel anything out of the ordinary. I remember sitting down on a couch, and then I remember opening my eyes and staring up at the ceiling. Apparently I fainted on the couch without anybody noticing. About 2 years before that I was at the movies with my mom and Ashley. We we watching a matinee showing of "Interview with a Vampire". It was after school, I was a little bit tired and a little bit hungry, and when Tom Cruise bit into Brad Pitt's neck (or vice versa-I can't remember those details), there was a sound effect that resembled biting into a crisp apple. Apparently there was some moaning involved and Ashley telling me to shush, but all I remember is "waking up" and wondering why my arms were hanging to the sides of the chair and why I was slouched so far down. I got up and got a soda and then watched the rest of the movie.
There haven't been any episodes like that in years. I mean, I've come close to fainting for reasons that I can't really explain, but I haven't actually fainted again in ten years. Lately when I've had blood drawn at the doctor's office, I've been doing better. I don't feel faint. I thought about donating blood because Ashley had around 6 blood transfusions over a one-year period. I thought donating blood would be a nice way for me to give back.
Last Monday I made appointments, yes, it is suggested you make an appointment first, for me and Zach to donate on Thursday. I didn't think much about it all week, but was feeling a bit doubtful about the whole ordeal when I had to stop reading the red cross webpage explaining the donation procedure because I was feeling faint. I just didn't think about it for the rest of the week. By the time Thursday night rolled around, I had been drinking extra water and had eaten a substantial amount. Once I got up to the donation site, I mentioned to Zach that I wasn't sure I could do this. He brushed my doubts aside and paid no attention to them, and I tried to do the same. Well, I never made it past the finger prick. I ended up on the floor after the woman pricked my finger to test my iron levels, which I passed with flying colors. I wasn't allowed to donate blood. I had to be wheeled in a chair past the bed where Zach was lying, already having his blood drawn, to a bed in the corner where I had to stay for a while, until they wheeled in the next victim, this time a guy, to occupy the bed. I was secretly relieved to see someone else in the same sorry state. I received a temporary deferral letter, which stated:
"We were not able to accept your donation today for the following reason:
Other-Donor reaction in health history. Requirement: no dizziness, nausea or lightheadedness"
Next time I'll just hand out the cookies.
About 10 years ago when I was a freshman in college, I had my finger pricked for a cholesterol test at a health fair. I didn't feel anything out of the ordinary. I remember sitting down on a couch, and then I remember opening my eyes and staring up at the ceiling. Apparently I fainted on the couch without anybody noticing. About 2 years before that I was at the movies with my mom and Ashley. We we watching a matinee showing of "Interview with a Vampire". It was after school, I was a little bit tired and a little bit hungry, and when Tom Cruise bit into Brad Pitt's neck (or vice versa-I can't remember those details), there was a sound effect that resembled biting into a crisp apple. Apparently there was some moaning involved and Ashley telling me to shush, but all I remember is "waking up" and wondering why my arms were hanging to the sides of the chair and why I was slouched so far down. I got up and got a soda and then watched the rest of the movie.
There haven't been any episodes like that in years. I mean, I've come close to fainting for reasons that I can't really explain, but I haven't actually fainted again in ten years. Lately when I've had blood drawn at the doctor's office, I've been doing better. I don't feel faint. I thought about donating blood because Ashley had around 6 blood transfusions over a one-year period. I thought donating blood would be a nice way for me to give back.
Last Monday I made appointments, yes, it is suggested you make an appointment first, for me and Zach to donate on Thursday. I didn't think much about it all week, but was feeling a bit doubtful about the whole ordeal when I had to stop reading the red cross webpage explaining the donation procedure because I was feeling faint. I just didn't think about it for the rest of the week. By the time Thursday night rolled around, I had been drinking extra water and had eaten a substantial amount. Once I got up to the donation site, I mentioned to Zach that I wasn't sure I could do this. He brushed my doubts aside and paid no attention to them, and I tried to do the same. Well, I never made it past the finger prick. I ended up on the floor after the woman pricked my finger to test my iron levels, which I passed with flying colors. I wasn't allowed to donate blood. I had to be wheeled in a chair past the bed where Zach was lying, already having his blood drawn, to a bed in the corner where I had to stay for a while, until they wheeled in the next victim, this time a guy, to occupy the bed. I was secretly relieved to see someone else in the same sorry state. I received a temporary deferral letter, which stated:
"We were not able to accept your donation today for the following reason:
Other-Donor reaction in health history. Requirement: no dizziness, nausea or lightheadedness"
Next time I'll just hand out the cookies.
4.9.05
A Slightly Uneasy Feeling
This morning as Zach an I were sitting in our apartment family room reading the paper, we heard the pattering of a [squirrel's/rat's] little feet coming from somewhere behind us. I could have said it was the cat if we had a cat, but since we don't, it couldn't have been the cat. We reasoned to ourselves that it must have been a squirrel on the roof, because a rat doesn't make pattering sounds, does it? At this point, I'm relying on the "if I can't see it, it must not exist" rationale.
The only news in the paper is that of Hurricane Katrina's aftermath. It's actually the first that I've sat down and read about it. I've managed to avoid most media coverage of the disaster for the past week. It's not because I'm a cold, callous, uncaring person, but it's just that everything is so sensationalized, and watching the coverage makes me feel helpless. The other factor is that right before she got sick, my sister Ashley spent a summer in Baton Rouge doing an internship with the Dept. of Transportation, and the strong connection between Ashley and Louisiana makes it difficult for me to watch and listen to the news about the hurricane. I can't even walk by the tobasco sauce in the grocery store without thinking about Ashley and of how she toured that factory. I started listening lately, because I know how interested and concerned she would have been in all of this. She was planning on studying urban development and transportation in graduate school. I've been trying to think of ways that she would have helped with the disaster. It's not really feasible to donate money, so I've thought about contacting all of Ashley's friends and acquaintances in Louisiana to see if they're okay. I think that's what she would have done.
The only news in the paper is that of Hurricane Katrina's aftermath. It's actually the first that I've sat down and read about it. I've managed to avoid most media coverage of the disaster for the past week. It's not because I'm a cold, callous, uncaring person, but it's just that everything is so sensationalized, and watching the coverage makes me feel helpless. The other factor is that right before she got sick, my sister Ashley spent a summer in Baton Rouge doing an internship with the Dept. of Transportation, and the strong connection between Ashley and Louisiana makes it difficult for me to watch and listen to the news about the hurricane. I can't even walk by the tobasco sauce in the grocery store without thinking about Ashley and of how she toured that factory. I started listening lately, because I know how interested and concerned she would have been in all of this. She was planning on studying urban development and transportation in graduate school. I've been trying to think of ways that she would have helped with the disaster. It's not really feasible to donate money, so I've thought about contacting all of Ashley's friends and acquaintances in Louisiana to see if they're okay. I think that's what she would have done.
1.9.05
Ups and Downs
Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of my blog. Today I started my new job as a group supervisor for an afterschool program. There are good things happening, and it's all so emotional. I feel like I'm coping, though. I always keep in mind that the opposite of depression is not happiness, but resilience.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
