They're Red.

I'm wearing my red Mary Janes today. They were given to me by Zach's mom, and they're a half size too small, so they're hurting my feet, but they're red!

they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're

That word is beginning to look really strange and meaningless. It's dreary outside again, but I have my red shoes. And there's Saturday night, when we turn the clocks back and get an extra hour of sleep. Hooray!
I'm too tired to write any more or to focus. I think I'll go for a walk in my red shoes and get a cookie.

This and That

I am in a radiant mood right now. I feel like I have so much good energy flowing through me that I might implode! It's as if there's a kaleidoscope of bright colors, pastel and deep blues and greens, swirling and merging and flowing right inside of me. I'm thoroughly enjoying it with Bach and a latte. The sun is shining, the Sox broke their curse last night, Gilmore Girls is on in an hour and a half, and there's a Halloween parade tonight. I finally borrowed the book Nancy has been recommending-Kaye Gibbons' "Charms for the Easy Life". I'll be reading it this weekend in between watching horror movies. I've already seen two this week-Amityville Horror and Night of the Living Dead. My grandfather turned 80 yesterday. I wonder what it feels like to be 80. It sounds old, but I'm not so sure anymore. I've got to do some work now, while I'm energized enough to do it, and because there's nothing holding this blog together other than it's scatteredness. Oh, what Mrs. Robinson would have to say about that!
I'm listening to Moby now, Zach's and my new favorite group.

Thoughts

1. As I was rushing around this morning doing all the things that must get done before 9:59 a.m. or ELSE and in a BIG hurry, I realized how insane I was being. I thought about stopping or just slowing down, but I wanted to get it ALL done, so I kept going knowing rightly that I will probably crash in a few hours and be in a rotten mood. Hey, at least I gave myself the option. That's progress, right?

2. For some ungodly reason I woke up at 2:30 this morning and did not fall back asleep until 5:30, only to have to get up an hour and a half later. It was probably the chili I had for dinner last night. Ack. No more chili for me or Zach after 4:00 p.m.

3. Since no one else is home, I've been listening to Enya, again, at full volume over and over and over again.

4. Reminder to self-It's no longer October 18th. Why I'm stuck on that date, I don't know.

5. I lied to someone over email to avoid meeting on a certain date. I haven't heard back from that person, and now I feel sooooo guilty. Why did I lie? But email is not really a valid form of communication anyway, right? Maybe they never received the message...

6. Redsox center fielder Jonny Damon is adorable.

7. Gilmore Girls reruns. Every weekday at 5:00 on the Family channel. Just in time for that pick-me-up after the afternoon slump.

8. I've got to start expanding my tastes to include sources of protein other than peanut butter.

9. U2's Vertigo. I like it, especially the IPod commercial.

10. Where's the sunshine gone to?

GO REDSOX!!!

By virtue of being married to a Massachusetts native, both my mom and I have officially been converted to Sox fans. The anxiety of watching this past week's games has been intensely unbearable.
Damn you, Zach! We never wanted to have to worry about the Redsox!!

"Closed for Season"

So it's already been a week since I last posted something, but that last post feels like it was written over a month ago. I suppose that just confirms my belief that it's Monday again this Thursday and that it really is spring going on summer. That's what I want to believe, anyway. Everytime we pass by an ice cream parlor that says "closed for season", it takes me about 3 minutes to register why, because if it's spring, it should just be opening for the season, not closing. Then I think that the government is playing some wierd trick on all of us by not telling us what season it really is, and that they don't want us to know because then we might tell someone who might tell someone who might tell a terrorist that it's October instead of March, and then they will attack us!
Anyway, back on planet Earth...
I just read Nancy's "Bad" post, and, as I've been sitting in my apt. feeling tired, sad and anxious, I am comforted by the fact that I'm not alone. "You are not alone, Nancy!" And by that I mean that I am thinking of you in the midst of all of your class/work/housework/relationship stress. I hope your head and hurty eyes feel better.
I'm listening to Enya "A Day without Rain" right now, and then I'm going for a run-in the rain.
If anyone is trying to get a hold of me, I am "Closed for Season".

T/M/TH/W/M/W/F/S/SUNDAY

I know it's been a while since I've last written, and I promised Nancy- www.uncollaborative.blogspot.com that I would update my blog more frequently. This typically happens with me when it comes to writing. I start off really strong and excited about writing, and then the enthusiasm for writing tapers and wanes, until it's completely extinguished and diminished to nothingness. But I realize how therapeutic writing has been for me, and, with that knowledge and some prodding from Nancy and Zach, I continue writing. Maybe the reason it's tapered is because it's now midsemester, which means midterm grades and frazzled students. For me it means forgetting what day of the week it actually is.
I woke up at 4:30 Monday morning thinking it was Tuesday, which is a day off for me. By Monday evening I thought it was Thursday, and by Tuesday evening I thought it was Wednesday. On Thursday evening I was sure that it was only Monday. So now it's Friday, but by the end of the day that may change, too. How is a person expected to keep track of the days which change daily? We've got calendars in just about every room of our apt., and there's one at work. But they're all useless if I don't know what day it is to figure out what day tomorrow will be. Tues./Mon./Th/Wed./Mon/Fri/Sat/Sun. That was my week. I wonder what next week will look like?!

Have a Krimpet

I just came back from a trip to the grocery store, and I'm feeling better. I blared the radio as loudly as I could stand it and got some of my aggression out on the road. It's the best place to do so, and everybody's doing it, so why not?, I figured. And then I had a bowl of ice cream with one of those butterscotch krimpet Tasty Kakes. Those were my favorite as a kid, the ones my dad always packed in my lunch along with a bologna and cheese sandwich and an apple.
And to top it all off, tomorrow is Friday.

Take that!

How in the world does anyone know what's real and what in life is worth taking the time to further explore or attend to?! I'm sure that question could be answered by Nietzsche, Kant or Christ himself, but in my agitated state I'm in no mood to read and decipher what these dead guys have philosophized in regard to the meaning of life. But how is a feeling real? I suppose it's only as real as we choose to make it, as real as the amount of credence we give to it. So, I could try to ignore the feelings, not wanting them to be there in the first place, because who the hell wants to feel anxious and fearful? Or I can acknowledge them and admit to what I'm feeling. I'm good at ignoring them, but not so good as admitting that I even have them, let alone which ones I'm feeling. It's like I'm embarrassed to be as human as everyone else on this earth. That pisses me off, because who the hell do I think I am that I'm beyond human feeling and fault! And then I just want to ignore my feelings again and retreat, but there really aren't too many places to retreat to. And so my agitation grows. So I'll talk about it. I don't really know what to say, other than I'm not feeling well right now. But then what more is there to say? I have this constant and persistently annoying need to explain myself. I feel like crap and I'm pissed off, and I have no explanation. So there. Take that. I'm not sure who or what is taking it, but it's not you, Nancy!

Swirling Autumn Winds

It's October 1st, and I am anticipating the arrival of those crisp, cool, and sometimes blustery fall days. The thick, white clouds float by up above as a slight breeze swirls the few fallen leaves around the ground. The air swirls above my head and whips those loose strands of hair across my face. A few leaves fall onto and against my legs as I continue walking with the breeze. It's invigorating. The air is so clear and fresh, and it breathes the anticipation of the harvest onto whoever will stop long enough to feel it. Most of us no longer harvest crops ourselves, at least not in the literal sense, but maybe we harvest something else. In preparation for winter and the upcoming holidays, we begin to slow down from all the summer activity. As the days shorten, we begin to spend less time outdoors and more time inside with friends or family, or maybe with just ourselves. There is a sense of loneliness as the fall and winter loom ahead. It's a time to reflect and recount the year's events, to see what we have done this past year, how well we have tended to ourselves and others. At least that's what autumn has always been to me.
So as it approaches, I am feeling apprehensive. I look forward to the cooler weather, to the brilliance of the changing leaves, to pumpkins, apple cider and Halloween. And although I love the blustery autumn winds, they don't bring that same sense of change, growth and renewal as the spring winds do. They just kind of swirl around what is already in existence and lay it bare before us.