Some Things My Seventeen Month Old Can Do

Sweep the floor
Use a fork and spoon
Put on his own flip flops
Flush the toilet
Open drawers
Turn on the printer
Change the settings on a clock
Turn on a flashlight
Open the fridge
Paint with watercolors
Climb into chairs
Open and close doors
Follow commands "Go get your _____"
Switch on lamps
Ask for a pop'ple (Lime Floes from Trader Joe's)
Spin around until dizzy
Sit on his potty and flip through a magazine

These are just a few things that he's done so far today. I'm constantly amazed by his desire to do everything Zach and I do.

Twelve Months and One Week

So it's been a year and a week since Zach and I became parents, and, for good or bad, it feels like we've been doing this our whole lives. I know my mom always said that parenting comes with a big side order of guilt, and boy is she right. I also think insecurity comes along with it, too. Sometimes it's difficult to know if you're doing the right thing. I find it amazing how the shriek of a toddler can make your heart race and your adrenaline pump in the quest to find just that thing that will quiet him down. It's hard to find a balance between healthy toddler exploration and manipulation. I like to let Luke "help" me in the kitchen, but sometimes he's into things I don't want him to be into. He'll sweep the floor with his little broom and dustpan, but then he'll throw the whole dustpan away in the trash, which I don't want him to get into. I know he's imitating me, and I usually let him do it so that I can finish preparing dinner or cleaning up. I also let him rummage through all the bathroom drawers and cabinets so that I can wash up. I've removed everything that I think is a hazard. It's just so much more exciting for Luke to play with grownup stuff than with his own toys. I do draw the line at the phone (although sometimes my cell phone is the perfect bribe to get Luke to sit down in his carseat without me having to forcibly bend his legs as he screams), the computer, and the t.v. remote, to name a few. Luke knows what he wants and is very determined. I know that these are great qualities to have, but right now it's hard when there's no reasoning due to limited language ability. I use a lot of distraction and humor, and then there are those times when I'm really tired and just say no. Sometimes I wonder at the logic of my own rules, but then I remember that I'm the adult, and "because I said so" is a perfectly reasonable response. However, Luke doesn't always think so.

Yellow Alert

What a week it has been. It started last Saturday night when Luke came down with the stomach bug. It was not as big a deal as I had always imagined it would be dealing with a vomiting baby (large towels can act just like spit-up cloths), but it's the after effects that have turned me into nothing short of a paranoid recluse on a germ-eradicating mission. I was okay until Zach came down with the virus on Monday afternoon. Then I just felt like a time bomb waiting to happen. I know no one deals well with vomiting, but I especially don't deal well with it. It's the anticipation that kills me. But so far I am still healthy (knock on wood), and I think it's fairly safe to say that I won't pick up the virus from Zach or Luke at this point. But did you know that the norovirus, which is responsible for most cases of gastroenteric illness, can live on a surface such as a carpet or the walls for up to a month, and not even freezing or boiling can kill the virus? I have cleaned my apt. inside and out, including washing the bathroom curtains and bleaching the toilet and all surrounding surfaces several times. Everytime I go into the bathroom, I still hold my breath and barely touch anything. It's crazy, I know, and I'll probably get the damn virus somewhere else at this point, but I hate to think of that creepy little norovirus lingering on the walls and floors of my home. I am on high alert and living in fear. It's crazy, I know, but in another week or so I will forget about it and go back to my regular ways of eating the cheerios Luke dumps onto the floor and kissing Zach on the lips again. But right now I have dreams of pointing a tiny little pistol at an invisible germ and blowing it to pieces. I wonder if this is how many republicans feel about terrorists.

More Positives

Per Nancy's request, here are some more great things about some wonderful people I know.

Nancy- Knows how to take charge of a situation and make decisions. She is very thoughtful and loves to talk and be around close friends. She is very sensitive, captivating, and charming, not to mention pretty.

Zach- He is very caring, and wants to make sure his family and friends are taken care of. He is inquisitive, ambitious and efficient. He has beautiful, hazel eyes.

Myself- (I figured I needed to give myself a few accolades here as well.) I am very organized. I love a challenge, such as running a marathon or switching over to cloth diapers. I am resourceful, reliable, and sometimes overly anxious. I am often torn between wanting to be alone or around others. I find I prefer being around others, especially since Luke has come into my life. He has been teaching me how to give and take 24/7.

Accentuating the Positive

It's very easy most times to dwell on the negative aspects of life. I've been thinking about Luke's extended family a lot lately, and there are so many great things I want him to know about all of his relatives.

On his paternal side:
Papa is a great conversationalist and can take up a dialogue with just about anybody.
Nane is very passionate about many things in life, and she loves books.
Aunt Jessica is very easy-going about many things that may make others upset, and she goes after what she wants in life.
Uncle Josh can pick up the pieces when life throws them about and has a great sense of humor.

On Luke's maternal side:
Oma has a great sense of humor and can make others laugh when times are tense. She is very sociable.
Opa is very calm and collected and knows how to fix many things. He's also a great cook
Aunt Alyssa is very deliberate in her actions and takes her time doing things. She is intelligent.
Aunt Ashley was a good resource for local happenings and involved in her community. She never took any nonsense from anybody.

These are just a few things that come to mind. It's refreshing to remember the good things about people from time to time.

Musing

At how I say crown and how difficult it is for me to actually say the word crayon. I had to put the word Crayola in front of it to let one of the mothers I babysit for know what I was talking about. Anyway, Zach and I bought a giant 64 pack of Crayola crayons at Target last week for $1.88-and that includes a built-in-sharpener in the back.

Things that I've recently (re-)discovered that make me happy

1. Strawberry yogurt
2. Guacamole (be sure to mix the garlic and salt together before adding the avocado. It makes such a difference in taste)
3. Swimming in the outdoor pool with Zach
4. Wearing Ashley's old blue-flowered bikini with boy shorts to the pool
5. Sleeping
6. Driving
7. Napping
8. Getting dirty
9. Drinking coffee in bed with Zach in the morning while listening to the news (if I can lie still long enough)
10. multiplication (and sometimes long division) in my head-it's a challenge and it helps me fall asleep sometimes
11. Trees
12. Thunderstorms
13. The blogging* community that Nancy started
14. Tea

*As Nancy pointed out, blogspot's spell check doesn't recognize variations of the word "blog". It suggested I change blogging to flogging. Thanks for starting our flogging community, Nancy!

San Francisco

My mom and I returned from San Francisco last Friday. It was the first time either one of us had been to the west coast. The trip was spectacular. We spent three days in the city walking up the steep hills to see Lombard Street, the “crookedest street in the world”, Fisherman’s Wharf, Chinatown, Japantown and Haight Ashbury. One day we rented a car and I drove us over the Golden Gate Bridge up to John Muir National Monument to see the Redwoods. From there we drove along coastal Rt. 1 high above the Pacific Ocean and up to Sonoma Valley where we stopped at several wineries on our way back. It was a cool, sometimes chilly 60 degrees the whole week. There were so many things to see. Mostly we sat in Union Square and just watched people. The city seemed almost too good to live in, until we picked up a couple of real estate magazines. At any rate, I would love to go back and see more of California. Maybe for that honeymoon Zach and I never took…

I'll be sure to wear some flowers in my hair

I've been incredibly busy this past week, mostly babysitting. I've been spending 10 hour days at the home of Kristi and Martin helping to watch Alison, Maya and Serena. I'm thoroughly exhausted, and wonder how I'll ever cope with my own future kids. I've been busy, but some of that busy-ness is a strategically planned distraction from my own abysmal emotions. I'm afraid that if I have time to sit down by myself that I'll start thinking about Ashley and my anger toward her. I don't want to be angry at her, and I'm not even sure if I know how to be angry at her for more than 5 seconds. I've spent most of my life working hard at suppressing any anger I might feel, so now actually accessing that anger feels like twice as much work as it was suppressing it.
Yesterday Zach received a CD he ordered called "I heard it on NPR-at home in the world". It's an awesome collection of world music. There's one song in particular called "Via Con Me" by Paolo Conte, and it's like a swingy-er, hipper Dean Martin. There's also the song "Homeless" by Paul Simon and Ladysmith Black Mambazo, and it made me cry, because it's from the album "Graceland" that my whole family used to listen to in the car wherever we needed to go for like 6 months. Ashley really liked that album.
I won't be posting much in the next two weeks. I'll be in San Francisco from July 4-8 and in Baltimore the weekend of the 9th.
Have a safe and happy 4th!

Solstice

Welcome first day of summer! The longest day of the year! I went biking and swimming at the university's outdoor pool today. I also played in the sandbox with Jack, who is 3. Jack's family has a cute, little kitten named Cosmo who kept getting stuck in toy boxes. What better way is there to bring in the summer? Then I had a chicken curry salad on a wrap with avocado, pineapple, and mango chutney. It was delicious. That sums up all the good stuff that happened today, and I think I'll leave it at that.

Weepy Violets and Dry Eyes

There is one, lone purple bud on my African Violet plant that I discovered this morning. It hasn't bloomed in years, and I'm not really sure what prompted it to do so now. I recently moved it from the kitchen to the living room where it gets the same amount of sun, maybe even a bit less. I also recently overwatered it. For three days Zach complained of wiping water off the coffee table after his books or newspapers inevitably got saturated in it. I did feed it a few times last month. Who knows. It was a pleasant surprise, though, as I discovered it after hanging up from an hour-long phone "conversation" with Jennifer from my health insurance company. I was calling about two claims, one from last August and one from March 2004. We got absolutely nothing resolved. Basically I have to resubmit the claims, because they, conveniently, have no record of either of them. I felt like crying. It's funny that I felt like crying over unprocessed claims and not the recently (yet not uncommon) strained relationship with my mom. Maybe the tears were disguised for my mom. I've got nothing else tonight. My eyes and my fingers are dry.

Sticky and Sweaty

I've been overwhelmed by life's little nuisances lately, like paying bills, making dinner, remembering to water my plants, etc...I wish I could forget about something for once. I'm plagued by a super reliant, overly- efficient mind. At any rate, that's hardly an excuse for not posting more often. It's always on my mind, but it gets pushed back to the "Not-As-Important" corner of my brain where it just sits making me feel guilty.
Things have been "good enough" lately (what is with me and quotation marks tonight?! It's just something else to annoy myself with). Things are not great but not bad either. I've been babysitting a lot and expanding the limits of my patience. Sometimes I watch the kids trying to master a new skill and think about how much it's going to help them later in life, but then I wonder how much any of those skills has really helped me. Maybe I didn't learn anything the right way. Then again, maybe I'm just too hard on myself.
It's been really hot the past two days. It hardly ever hits 90 degrees in State College, but it has two days in a row now. I sound like I'm complaining, but really I don't mind it so much. Growing up my mom always kept the air conditioning at arctic levels. My sisters and I would come in from swimming and turn blue underneath piles of afghans. Now Zach and I don't have AC, but I find that the body adjusts. Of course, I'm not talking about living in the super humidity of the south, but it gets fairly hot and humid in Pennsylvania. So you can imagine me sitting at the desk typing while sweat accumulates underneath my bra and behind my knees making my legs stick to the chair, and how much I really need a shower right now after playing with a two-year old all afternoon. That's me. No appearances to be upheld right now.

Stupid, sunny day

The computer is sooooo slow this morning. I keep getting monstrous emails from my cousin-in-law including pictures of her baby cutting first tooth, wearing first bathing suit, eating first foods, out and about in stroller and drooling, pooping and any other "cute" things babies do. Don't get me wrong. I love kids, but I don't need weekly updates from parents of a kid who live 400 miles away who (it should be "whom", but it sounds so pretentious) I've only met twice before in my life. Have they never heard of a blog?! Then people can look if they want to without their inboxes getting jammed up.
I am irritable today.
I tried to do yoga this morning (on a video) and got annoyed at the stupid, pretzel people. Usually I am one of those super-flexible ones who can do all the contortions, but not today. Today I was just annoyed, and I don't think that's the point of yoga. Last night I got mad at Zach when he made a simple observation while we were playing basketball. I was "cheating" by standing too close to the hoop. All of a sudden every shot I had made was discounted and I felt worthless. He hit a sore spot, but he didn't know it. How does my mind jump to those conclusions? Yes, it is my time of month. It's not meant to be an excuse, but it may explain some of my behavior. Watch out jar of Nutella in the cabinet and Zach.

The importance of accuracy in diagnosing penile disfunction

It's almost 1:00 p.m., Zach has left for work and I still haven't changed out of my pajamas. I've gotten a lot done though. I cooked all morning-cookies and a big pot of chili; this in addition to the mac 'n cheese and the mushroom noodle casserole I made this weekend from the Moosewood Cookbook. I don't know what's prompted me to do all this cooking. It could be because I actually have the time to cook. For a while I didn't feel like preparing anything more complicated than a bowl of cereal and a peanut butter sandwich. I'm starting to enjoy this time to myself. I haven't thought once about the course I had been teaching since I resigned. I've been reading lots, watching movies and listening to music and, from time to time, picking fights with Zach. Right before he left this afternoon he said he thought he might have a bladder infection. I said that it would be really painful while urinating and that there might be blood. He disagreed with me. He said either way it's still an irritation. I said that that's not the same as an infection. I know I was being a twit, but I am the type of person who insists on using medical terms properly. Some things just can't be thrown around lightly. Maybe it has to do with my sister's sickness and the need for an accurate diagnosis. At any rate, I don't think he has an infection, but, then again, Zach's threshold for pain might be different from mine, greater than mine.
But somehow I don't think so.

Organic Mayo and Brussel Sprouts

I am so obsessed with blogs!! Nancy, this is your fault. I never even knew they existed before last June. But I'm thankful for my new obsession. It's actually good for me. I read about other people's lives and know that I'm not alone when it comes to things like depression. It's so refreshing to hear other people talk about it, because it's constantly on my mind. I can also write about my own life right here, which is really good for me. And it lets Nancy know what I'm up to since I always seem to miss her calls and am too lazy to pick up the phone and dial her number myself. It's nothing personal. I'm just SO not a phone person. I run and hide when it rings. So all-in-all I'm feeling pretty content right now, so maybe I'll put off that phone call home for a few more hours (or days).

I just got back from food shopping at Wegman's. It always takes me twice as long to shop there as it does at Giant, and somehow I end up spending more on fewer items. I know why, though. It's because Wegman's is laid out so nice and pretty. I'm totally sucked into the facade. I do have to say, however, that their produce is much more plentiful and fresher than most other grocery stores I've seen. I end up buying things I would NEVER otherwise buy, like fresh brussel sprouts, which I do love btw, flax seeds, and tinted lip balm and facial cream with Vit. D, both of which are not tested on animals AND are organic. The reason I went to that store in the first place was to get some organic mayo. Zach loves this brand called Canes (do I need one of those little Rs next to that to let people know it's trademarked?) , which is only sold in New England. I am also hooked on it now. I was never a mayonnaise person before I got married. Anyway, Wegman's does not carry Canes, but I know they have organic mayo which I thought might be good, at least better than Hellman's (another little R there). It was the last item I picked up in the store, and I had to go back and look for it. I am just struck dumb when I'm in that store. I suppose if I went more often I would know what they stock and not be so amazed by the selection. Wegman's really has become a hot spot in State College.

The mayonnaise is decent and the brussel sprouts were great!

Hurting

Today I really miss my sisters. I miss the way things used to be a long time ago. I miss the times we spent conspiring against each other or my parents, I miss our old ways of fighting and arguing about crossing that imaginary line in the backseat of the car, I miss watching tv together on a Friday night, but most of all I miss their health and their presence in my life. I would give my right arm if it meant they could both be healthy again. This is the most I've ever felt the loss of my sisters, and it hurts. I know that they are still here, but they are both struggling with their health. I am struggling with knowing that things will never be as they once were or as I once thought they would be. There is nothing that could ever replace my sisters.

My Newly Discovered Talent:

Chugging water.

I can go through the entire alphabet in my head while chugging water. without taking a breath.

Why, you ask?

Because on the days when I go for a run and drink my daily half cup of coffee, I am in a state of hydration deficit (not quite the same as dehydration), and if I just drink a glass of water here and there, I won't be able to achieve equilibrium for the next five days. The whole delicate system is thrown off, and that equilibrium includes the functioning of my bowels. If they aren't working regularly, then I'm a bear, and being a constipated bear interferes with the stability and sanctity of my marriage. So for the sake of my marriage, I've developed the talent, or survival technique, of chugging water.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

I am feeling pretty good today, despite the results of the presidential election. The one consoling thing I have right now is that all of my friends (and most of my family) feel the same way I do about the state of our country and the direction the current administration is taking us (not good). It's unfair, but I suppose the other half million people who actually voted for Bush would have felt the same way had Kerry won. I am just dumbfounded that Bush was elected, but then again I don't know why I am surprised given the irresponsibility of the media and the evangelical Christian fundamentalism that has been propagated by Bush. By today's standards, to be Christian = to be Republican. That's really a shame, and it undermines true Christianity. I feel like I need to do something, but I don't know what, at least not yet.
As I said, though, I am feeling pretty good, and that's because I'm feeling connected to all those who are as bitterly disappointed as I am. I feel a need to stick together, because, much to the demise of the Bush administration and all those ultraconservatives, we're not going away.

Long live the fight for gay marriage, stem-cell research, better environmental protection, a woman's right to choose, and basic human rights! The pendulum will inevitably swing back to the left. So here's to Nov. 4, 2008. That will be a nice birthday bonus for you, Nancy. In the meantime, I will be living my life by the standards and values that I believe in. It will be interesting to see what happens over the next four years.

They're Red.

I'm wearing my red Mary Janes today. They were given to me by Zach's mom, and they're a half size too small, so they're hurting my feet, but they're red!

they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're

That word is beginning to look really strange and meaningless. It's dreary outside again, but I have my red shoes. And there's Saturday night, when we turn the clocks back and get an extra hour of sleep. Hooray!
I'm too tired to write any more or to focus. I think I'll go for a walk in my red shoes and get a cookie.

This and That

I am in a radiant mood right now. I feel like I have so much good energy flowing through me that I might implode! It's as if there's a kaleidoscope of bright colors, pastel and deep blues and greens, swirling and merging and flowing right inside of me. I'm thoroughly enjoying it with Bach and a latte. The sun is shining, the Sox broke their curse last night, Gilmore Girls is on in an hour and a half, and there's a Halloween parade tonight. I finally borrowed the book Nancy has been recommending-Kaye Gibbons' "Charms for the Easy Life". I'll be reading it this weekend in between watching horror movies. I've already seen two this week-Amityville Horror and Night of the Living Dead. My grandfather turned 80 yesterday. I wonder what it feels like to be 80. It sounds old, but I'm not so sure anymore. I've got to do some work now, while I'm energized enough to do it, and because there's nothing holding this blog together other than it's scatteredness. Oh, what Mrs. Robinson would have to say about that!
I'm listening to Moby now, Zach's and my new favorite group.