It's a rainy day, and I'm back in State College by myself. Zach remained up on Cape Cod for a few more days visiting his family. I didn't want to come back. The day I left was perfectly sunny with just a few clouds in the sky, a perfect beach day. Mainly while I was there I sat on the beach and read the newest Harry Potter book, which was excellent. It's all the more difficult being back now because I've had a frustrating past few days and, on top of it all, I have a horrible cold. I'm trying to just stay in and give myself time to get better, but that's one of the most difficult things for me to do.
While I've been sitting inside listening to this awesome CD called Love Rocks*, I've been thinking about Ashley. I keep picturing her lying in the hospital bed the day she died, completely still. I remember shutting her eyelids the rest of the way. I sat by her bed and held her hands and talked to her for 2 hours before Zach arrived. She was still warm to the touch, but I could see her ears were turning slightly blue around the edges. I wanted to believe that she could hear what I was saying. I had to believe it. I still don't know what happens to a person's soul at death. Sometimes I think it becomes fragmented and is dispersed in the universe. It's hard to believe that anyone's soul could remain whole and be transferred to another being at birth. I would like to believe that the soul does survive in some way, though. I was thinking today how much I would like to talk to my mom about this image that I carry of Ashley and my thoughts about her spirit. I'm just afraid my mom is not ready to hear it, and I'm afraid that by making myself so vulnerable to her I'll only end up getting hurt. This is why I'm blogging it today. It's good to know that my thoughts are still being heard.
*Zach and I bought the CD in Provincetown, Cape Cod, a very lively, alternative town on the tip of Cape Cod surrounded by water and sand dunes. It came from a little shop that only sells items in support of the Human Rights Campaign.
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(Formerly known as "etepetete")
About Me
- Angelique
- This is my second attempt at creating and keeping a blog. I will write about daily adventures and preparations for our trip to Egypt this winter.
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3 comments:
I want to say something wonderful and meaningful, but I don't have the words. My grandmother died 15 years ago and I still think that she watches over me in some way. When I was having a really hard time with my pregnancy (and tons of other times), I would just talk to her (maybe pray to her I don't know). But it always brought me a sense of peace. You know your mom best and I think you will know the right time to share these things with her.
You are a really special person. I look forward to meeting you at Nancy's wedding next year.
I removed the previous comment, because I published it before I wanted to. I wanted to say that I really appreciate everyone's comments. Thank you, and I look forward to seeing everyone at The Wedding next year, too!
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