This post is full of bitterness, and I don't apologize for it.
I know that everyone experiences mood swings throughout each day or even within a several hour time span, but that still does not quell my mind about my own moodiness. I feel like a prisoner to my moods lately, and I don't know what to do about it. The annoying thing is that I can present a pretty normal, well-functioning face to the world, even to my friends and family. That makes me feel deceitful and coniving, and then it's when I'm alone with my thoughts that I feel crazy. I imagine doing all kinds of drastic, ridiculous things to make myself feel better; such as getting a random tattoo, chopping off all my hair, or dying my hair black or green among other darker thoughts, such as somehow getting into a car accident and dying, and then I imagine my funeral and all my sad friends and family gathering to say goodbye. WHAT is WRONG with me?! I HATE that I imagine these things. I HATE that I am obsessing on myself so much. I feel like I'm looking for some kind of attention that I feel that I'm lacking or maybe I'm feeling so overwhelmed that I'm looking for a way out. It scares me, because then I start to feel like I'm losing control over my thoughts, and that translates into becoming just like Alyssa. I have trouble accepting things for what they are lately. I have trouble accepting my own shortcomings and my own life situation right now. I don't know what I'm doing about school this fall. Zach and I haven't been communicating well, and at this moment we are not talking. That really sucks, because then I start to question my marriage and my own self worth. I know that when we talk again I'll feel a lot better, and in the meantime I will feel awful. What I don't like is that most times Zach and I have an argument, I berate myself and feel like an awful, miserable person. I want to change that. What makes that hard is that once the negative thoughts begin, it's hard to stop them. I go on to think about my sisters and how I couldn't "save" them, and about how now I don't have any sisters to talk to about these things. I know that I have loving friends I can turn to, but it doesn't change that my sisters are gone. Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself lately, and I've come to the conclusion that that's the way I want to feel. I'm angry right now, and writing about it here is the most open and honest way for me to express it.
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2 comments:
I think you should definitely get the tattoo, cut your hair and dye it any color you like. but drive safe.
oh and I will design you a tattoo if you want. (I will just never get one, I change my mind too much and I am aversive to pain)
We all have our moments where we feel like this. In your case I think things just pile up b/c its all things you cant really "resolve". I'm always here to talk...whether that helps or not. As for the tattoo thing, you should do it, it gets you pumped for whatever reason and just gets you excited. Do whatever is going to make you happy.
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