Extreme Enjoyment

It's already the end of the start to another week. And here I am, sitting at the computer in my cozy, temporary office, belly full of a tasty spinach-veggie wrap and macadamia nut cookie, watching the sky darken and listening to the crickets chirping on this summer evening, and all-the-while feeling like there's something I need to hurry up and do.
What is that all about? Where does that feeling come from? It's as if I think I'm missing something at home, but home right now is the house that I'm watching for my professor while I teach her three classes. There is no one there right now for me to get home to, and there is nothing there that I need to do. Maybe that's just it. Because it's empty, I feel the need to subject myself to the boredom and loneliness, because life can often be boring and lonely. I can't let myself get used to anything otherwise. That would be, like, actually enjoying myself. Somehow there's something seductively wrong in that. It's as if life is this huge, cruel, menacing chore, and everyone is out for himself. If there's enjoyment, it means you must be shirking responsibility or just not working hard enough. Is that the old Protestant work ethic? My dad grew up Catholic and my mom grew up with parents who dropped her and her two older brothers off at Sunday school from whence they gleefully strolled to the candy store and made it back in time to be picked up. My dad shed his catholic upbringing when he married my mother. I remember going to church sparingly. The most vivid memory is when it was around Christmas time when I was three, and I dropped a spoonful of red jello on my red and white dress. Some ladies across the way were making oohing and ahhing sounds at how cute I was, and I put the fork down and forever laid to rest any potential fondness for church-related activities.
I don't know where this idea that life is harsh and cruel comes from, but I don't like it. So maybe tonight I'll be defiant and stay here, enjoying myself. I'll sit here through the calling of my bed, the hunger pangs and the bulging of my bladder! I vow that I WILL enjoy myself.
So maybe I have a tendency to take things a little too far...