Imposter

It's really amazing how sometimes your mood can be so stable and other times so labile (I think that's the right word, but I can't find it in the old dictionary we own. Even if it's not, I like the sounds of it). Of course I don't mind when it's influenced in a positive way. For instance, last night when I was helping Zach coach 10 and 11 year olds soccer, I was feeling a bit insecure, which wasn't me being irrational, given that I've never played soccer before in my life. So there I was, throwing and rolling the ball toward the kids as they attempted to kick it in the goal. One of the balls was kicked way off into left field somewhere, and the kid who went after it lobbed it at about 70 miles an hour into the air right toward me. I put my hands out and, to my surprise, caught it. Two of the girls gasped and said "Now we know who can be our goalkeeper." I thought to myself "alright, they think I'm good!". They never suspected that I was an imposter. Of course, don't we all feel at times like imposters? I suppose one of the secrets to success is to always have the appearance of knowing what you're doing, even if you haven't the slightest clue.
Today I'm feeling a bit knocked down, though. There are several reasons, but I'm having trouble putting them into words. I feel like a big imposter, like I've been deceiving myself. I suppose tomorrow I'll feel differently, but for now I think I'll just keep deceiving myself. Otherwise it's just like standing between two mirrors and seeing never-ending reflections of yourself in the mirrors. The longer I stare at the distant reflections trying to decipher which one is the real me, the farther I get from myself.