Gratitude

Well, I just finished my first week of teaching for the new semester. This is a big feat for me, being that I haven't taught, or worked for that matter, in over 5 months. I've spent the past 5 months getting back on my feet, regaining my confidence, strength, and will to live. For the first time in years, I feel a sense of calm and serenity, a sense of being at ease with myself. I've discovered that there's actually an art to living. Instead of being all chores, stress, overwhelming feelings of anxiety, and constant feelings of embarrassment and guilt which lead to self-destructive behavior, my life feels...Joyous. manageable. bright.
I don't have to be superhuman.
I can make mistakes, make people angry, be upset, be happy, be HUMAN.
This all sounds so simple, so obvious, but for me it wasn't something that I ever thought possible for myself. Instead of living my life I was always planning for "it", whatever it may have been. I am more present, open, and compassionate. Now that I've written all of this I'm feeling a bit anxious about keeping it up, putting all my words to the test. I know there are setbacks, and that scares me. I am ambivalent right now.
Standing up in front of a roomful of 25 students puts me to the test daily. I am somewhat shy, quiet, and a better listener than talker. Everytime I walk into the classroom, my heart flutters, my breath escapes me, and there's a sinking feeling in my stomach. Once I start talking my adrenaline starts pumping, and, before I know it, I'm floating on the sounds of my own voice, being swept up and whisked away by the responses I get from my students, amazed that they respond to me at all.
Sometimes I make mistakes, and they call me on them. I breathe, remember that everyone makes mistakes, commend them, and return to my teaching persona. I remind myself that I can learn from these situations. Instead of feeling like an utter failure and a completely unworthy being, I just keep going. At times I feel like it takes all the courage I have to do this, but I'm doing it. I'm living, feeling, and making decisions that I never knew I had. There are still times when I don't want to do it, but I do it for all my friends, especially you, Nancy, my family, my running group, those who have helped me and counseled me, for my nieces, for the two little girls I babysit, to see the looks of joy, excitement, frustration and heart-melting sadness on their faces, and for my husband (even when he's venting his anger for the 29th time today about the state of affairs of our country, our imbecile president and snorting in disgust) and our future together. I am grateful for all of these people.
And by the way, in case there is any confusion, I agree with my husband about the imbecile we call our leader. He's just way angrier and way more vocal about it.