Zach and I had an ugly fight late last night over something that I consider pretty serious. I was yelling and nearly hyperventilating. Luke was in bed and didn't witness any of it. I felt like I was pushed into a corner and could no longer be heard. I didn't have the words I needed. I am feeling hurt and dismayed by the anger that surged forth from both of us. I need to find better ways to communicate, and yet, at the same time, I wish Zach could find a way to just listen to my fears and not judge them.
Why do people who love each other sometimes hurt each other? I know I'm not alone in feeling hurt in a relationship. The question now is what to do with the pain.
18.6.08
8.5.08
Now if only there were a Martini's up the Street.
I have been feeling very defensive and angry lately, with the main reason being our rental situation. We currently live in Pottersville, except that the landholders are the Rocketts, so I guess you could say we live in Rockettsville. Our oven has been broken for over two weeks now, and, as our lawyer neighbor and friend informed us, MA has comprehensive laws protecting the tenant in rental situations. We could call the Dept. of Health and file a complaint which could lead to us ultimately terminating the lease without repercussion. The problem is that one of the Rocketts is a former judge, so who knows how far we would get. Today I received notice that our lease is almost up, and the monthly rent is being increased by 10%. There have been other issues that I won't get into here. Needless to say, I think the Rocketts are big @holes, and we will be looking for a new place to live. I'm excited about it.
6.5.08
23.4.08
I'll call the landlord in the morning.
Last night our oven door broke. Actually, that's putting it mildly. It shattered into a million pieces. I keep the latch on the lock position now that Luke is mobile, and lately it's been getting stuck. I turned the oven on to broil some sweet potato fries, and then when the oven was hot, I couldn't open the door. I had unlocked it, but it was stuck. I wiggled the door handle until the oven was rocking slightly, so I stopped, turned it off, and sauted the fries on the stove top. When Zach got home, he pulled on the door once, twice and then a third time, wherein the handle ended up in his hands and no longer connected to the door, and we watched the shards of glass cascade onto the floor. Luke started crying, and Zach and I stood there in awe. Finally he said "I'll clean it up". So this is one perk of renting and not owning a home. I called the landlord this morning and told them we needed a new stove door, and they said "Okay. We'll send someone out to take a look". Despite this and other small benefits of renting, we would still really like to own a home. The problem is that the North Shore is expensive, and we are living off of one income for the time being. We've been looking at real estate for a few months now, Zach's gone to a seminar for first-time homebuyers, and we've been preapproved by our credit union. The whole process stresses me out beyond belief, so I'm trying to keep any emotions out of it. I think the thought of owning a home really just scares me, because that means we're "tied down". We can't just pick up and go. We would have to sell the house first. I know it's important to build equity, and it really does make sense for us to own, especially since the cost of rent isn't much less than a mortgage. It just feels like such an adult thing to own a home, more so to me than having a baby.
1.4.08
What's for Dinner?
A 23 pound turkey. I turned around to wash a pan, and when I turned back, this is where I found Luke.Here is a picture of me and my new hairdo. It's a bit windblown and unstyled, but it's easy and I like it.
28.3.08
25.3.08
Twelve Months and One Week
So it's been a year and a week since Zach and I became parents, and, for good or bad, it feels like we've been doing this our whole lives. I know my mom always said that parenting comes with a big side order of guilt, and boy is she right. I also think insecurity comes along with it, too. Sometimes it's difficult to know if you're doing the right thing. I find it amazing how the shriek of a toddler can make your heart race and your adrenaline pump in the quest to find just that thing that will quiet him down. It's hard to find a balance between healthy toddler exploration and manipulation. I like to let Luke "help" me in the kitchen, but sometimes he's into things I don't want him to be into. He'll sweep the floor with his little broom and dustpan, but then he'll throw the whole dustpan away in the trash, which I don't want him to get into. I know he's imitating me, and I usually let him do it so that I can finish preparing dinner or cleaning up. I also let him rummage through all the bathroom drawers and cabinets so that I can wash up. I've removed everything that I think is a hazard. It's just so much more exciting for Luke to play with grownup stuff than with his own toys. I do draw the line at the phone (although sometimes my cell phone is the perfect bribe to get Luke to sit down in his carseat without me having to forcibly bend his legs as he screams), the computer, and the t.v. remote, to name a few. Luke knows what he wants and is very determined. I know that these are great qualities to have, but right now it's hard when there's no reasoning due to limited language ability. I use a lot of distraction and humor, and then there are those times when I'm really tired and just say no. Sometimes I wonder at the logic of my own rules, but then I remember that I'm the adult, and "because I said so" is a perfectly reasonable response. However, Luke doesn't always think so.
19.2.08
12.2.08
Birth Story
Birth Story of Luke Everett Newell
I've been meaning to write down Luke's birth story for a while now, especially since some of the details are really getting fuzzy. It's amazing how a baby grows in the first year. I can barely remember when Luke was a newborn. I remember bits and pieces of things, like his first bath at home and how he always loved his baths and the way he beat his little fists in the air when he was mad, like an angry little bumblebee, as my mom would say. I can't remember what his newborn cry sounded like anymore. I do remember his skin sagging on his arms and legs, but that didn't last for long. He filled out quite nicely in very little time at all.
He was born on his due date, and I'm told that only 4-5% of babies come on their predicted due date. I started feeling some cramping after dinner, which consisted of a mediterranean chicken dish I had made, on the night of March 17th. It was about 6:00 p.m., and I wasn't sure if I was really feeling anything. We went for a walk around the block, because I heard that would help bring on contractions if they had already started. There was snow piled about 2 feet high from the storm the night before. We got home, and around 8:00 p.m. I started feeling more crampiness. Now I could feel it right down to my toes. We called my parents in Lancaster and told them we thought this might be it. We were living in State College, PA at the time, so it would be a 2 1/2 hour drive for them. We wanted them to make it in time for the birth, but I still wasn't sure I was having contractions. I started timing them and decided to take a bath. It was around 10:00 p.m. that I started feeling uncomfortable. I called my midwife and my parents, and told them we thought this was really it. My contractions were about 5 or 6 minutes apart by then. Zach and I laid down on the sofa bed and watched Mad TV. I couldn't sleep. Zach dozed off for a little bit. My parents and sister arrived with Zoe, our late and beloved family dog, around 1:00 a.m. I was sitting in a chair at that point and doubling over every time a contraction came. I ate a chocolate chip cookie that my father had made. We all tried to get some rest, and by 3:00 a.m. I decided it was time to go to the hospital. The car didn't turn over right away, because it was so cold outside. It was a 2 mile ride to the hospital, and so I managed to get there without any painful contractions. I was able to walk up to the maternity ward and changed and laid down in bed while the nurses asked me questions and hooked my up to the fetal monitoring device. At 3:30 my midwife checked me and told me I was at 2 cm. My contractions were about 2 minutes apart, and I was effaced and the baby was coming down nicely. She said I was ready to go at any time. So even though I was only 2 cm, they kept me. I walked the halls for a little bit with Zach and my mom. Things were speeding up quickly, and I really had to focus on breathing and moaning to make the pain bearable. I was doing very well until about 7:00 a.m. When the midwife checked my again I was about 5-6 cm. I kept thinking that I was almost past what they call the transition, and that if I could make it to 8 cm, I'd be almost there. It seemed like hours later that I was only at 7 cm. At this point, I was exhausted and in pain. I got into the shower for a little bit, but that didn't do much more than make me cold and wet. I was experiencing a sharp, lingering pain in my left side. I almost threw up a few times, and as the contractions came and went, I was still left with that searing pain in my side. The midwife feared the placenta had detached from the wall, but in the end that wasn't the case at all. There is still no explanation, except that perhaps the baby was hitting a nerve or maybe it was sheer exhaustion. I kept thinking if I could just have some ibuprofen, it might help me, but that's not what they use when you're in labor. I ended up getting an IV pain medication around 9:00 a.m. That helped for about 17 minutes. About half an hour later, I requested an epidural. I was 7 cm dilated. I felt like I wasn't managing the pain anymore, and it was getting the best of me. I wanted to be able to have enough energy to push this baby out when the time came, and I didn't foresee that happening with the amount of pain I was experiencing. I got the epidural and then slept for about 2 1/2 hours. It was so peaceful. The sun was up, and the pain was gone. Around noon the midwife said I was at 10 cm. She broke my water, and then we waited until I felt pressure and the urge to push. I started pushing. I was sitting up in bed holding onto my thighs. After about 8 pushes, the midwife said we needed to help this baby out, and she gave me an episiotomy. I didn't feel the incision being made. We kept seeing his head crowning, and Zach was so afraid that he was going to be too small. With a few more pushes, our baby emerged, big and healthy. They placed him right on my stomach, and he looked up at me. He cried out a minute later. I remember saying "Hi". Zach was crying, and I would have been too had I not been so exhausted.
He scored a 9 on his Apgar, but they couldn't get his temperature up. Eventually the nurses took him to the nursery to warm him up, and it didn't take long before his temperature rose. Luke Everett Newell arrived at 12:06 p.m. on Sunday, March 18 2007. He was 7 lbs 6 1/2 oz and 20.75 inches long.
He hasn't been out of my sight or heart since then.
I've been meaning to write down Luke's birth story for a while now, especially since some of the details are really getting fuzzy. It's amazing how a baby grows in the first year. I can barely remember when Luke was a newborn. I remember bits and pieces of things, like his first bath at home and how he always loved his baths and the way he beat his little fists in the air when he was mad, like an angry little bumblebee, as my mom would say. I can't remember what his newborn cry sounded like anymore. I do remember his skin sagging on his arms and legs, but that didn't last for long. He filled out quite nicely in very little time at all.
He was born on his due date, and I'm told that only 4-5% of babies come on their predicted due date. I started feeling some cramping after dinner, which consisted of a mediterranean chicken dish I had made, on the night of March 17th. It was about 6:00 p.m., and I wasn't sure if I was really feeling anything. We went for a walk around the block, because I heard that would help bring on contractions if they had already started. There was snow piled about 2 feet high from the storm the night before. We got home, and around 8:00 p.m. I started feeling more crampiness. Now I could feel it right down to my toes. We called my parents in Lancaster and told them we thought this might be it. We were living in State College, PA at the time, so it would be a 2 1/2 hour drive for them. We wanted them to make it in time for the birth, but I still wasn't sure I was having contractions. I started timing them and decided to take a bath. It was around 10:00 p.m. that I started feeling uncomfortable. I called my midwife and my parents, and told them we thought this was really it. My contractions were about 5 or 6 minutes apart by then. Zach and I laid down on the sofa bed and watched Mad TV. I couldn't sleep. Zach dozed off for a little bit. My parents and sister arrived with Zoe, our late and beloved family dog, around 1:00 a.m. I was sitting in a chair at that point and doubling over every time a contraction came. I ate a chocolate chip cookie that my father had made. We all tried to get some rest, and by 3:00 a.m. I decided it was time to go to the hospital. The car didn't turn over right away, because it was so cold outside. It was a 2 mile ride to the hospital, and so I managed to get there without any painful contractions. I was able to walk up to the maternity ward and changed and laid down in bed while the nurses asked me questions and hooked my up to the fetal monitoring device. At 3:30 my midwife checked me and told me I was at 2 cm. My contractions were about 2 minutes apart, and I was effaced and the baby was coming down nicely. She said I was ready to go at any time. So even though I was only 2 cm, they kept me. I walked the halls for a little bit with Zach and my mom. Things were speeding up quickly, and I really had to focus on breathing and moaning to make the pain bearable. I was doing very well until about 7:00 a.m. When the midwife checked my again I was about 5-6 cm. I kept thinking that I was almost past what they call the transition, and that if I could make it to 8 cm, I'd be almost there. It seemed like hours later that I was only at 7 cm. At this point, I was exhausted and in pain. I got into the shower for a little bit, but that didn't do much more than make me cold and wet. I was experiencing a sharp, lingering pain in my left side. I almost threw up a few times, and as the contractions came and went, I was still left with that searing pain in my side. The midwife feared the placenta had detached from the wall, but in the end that wasn't the case at all. There is still no explanation, except that perhaps the baby was hitting a nerve or maybe it was sheer exhaustion. I kept thinking if I could just have some ibuprofen, it might help me, but that's not what they use when you're in labor. I ended up getting an IV pain medication around 9:00 a.m. That helped for about 17 minutes. About half an hour later, I requested an epidural. I was 7 cm dilated. I felt like I wasn't managing the pain anymore, and it was getting the best of me. I wanted to be able to have enough energy to push this baby out when the time came, and I didn't foresee that happening with the amount of pain I was experiencing. I got the epidural and then slept for about 2 1/2 hours. It was so peaceful. The sun was up, and the pain was gone. Around noon the midwife said I was at 10 cm. She broke my water, and then we waited until I felt pressure and the urge to push. I started pushing. I was sitting up in bed holding onto my thighs. After about 8 pushes, the midwife said we needed to help this baby out, and she gave me an episiotomy. I didn't feel the incision being made. We kept seeing his head crowning, and Zach was so afraid that he was going to be too small. With a few more pushes, our baby emerged, big and healthy. They placed him right on my stomach, and he looked up at me. He cried out a minute later. I remember saying "Hi". Zach was crying, and I would have been too had I not been so exhausted.
He scored a 9 on his Apgar, but they couldn't get his temperature up. Eventually the nurses took him to the nursery to warm him up, and it didn't take long before his temperature rose. Luke Everett Newell arrived at 12:06 p.m. on Sunday, March 18 2007. He was 7 lbs 6 1/2 oz and 20.75 inches long.
He hasn't been out of my sight or heart since then.
9.2.08
Yellow Alert
What a week it has been. It started last Saturday night when Luke came down with the stomach bug. It was not as big a deal as I had always imagined it would be dealing with a vomiting baby (large towels can act just like spit-up cloths), but it's the after effects that have turned me into nothing short of a paranoid recluse on a germ-eradicating mission. I was okay until Zach came down with the virus on Monday afternoon. Then I just felt like a time bomb waiting to happen. I know no one deals well with vomiting, but I especially don't deal well with it. It's the anticipation that kills me. But so far I am still healthy (knock on wood), and I think it's fairly safe to say that I won't pick up the virus from Zach or Luke at this point. But did you know that the norovirus, which is responsible for most cases of gastroenteric illness, can live on a surface such as a carpet or the walls for up to a month, and not even freezing or boiling can kill the virus? I have cleaned my apt. inside and out, including washing the bathroom curtains and bleaching the toilet and all surrounding surfaces several times. Everytime I go into the bathroom, I still hold my breath and barely touch anything. It's crazy, I know, and I'll probably get the damn virus somewhere else at this point, but I hate to think of that creepy little norovirus lingering on the walls and floors of my home. I am on high alert and living in fear. It's crazy, I know, but in another week or so I will forget about it and go back to my regular ways of eating the cheerios Luke dumps onto the floor and kissing Zach on the lips again. But right now I have dreams of pointing a tiny little pistol at an invisible germ and blowing it to pieces. I wonder if this is how many republicans feel about terrorists.
7.2.08
Playing Chase
I don't know who loves this game more-Luke or me. They play it every night before bed.
4.2.08
25.1.08
Milestones
Luke is now walking. Last night he stood up, raised his shoulders in preparation, and took 6-7 wobbly steps toward me while grinning from ear to ear. Then he lunged into my arms. I'm not surprised that he's walking. He's been trying to do it for months now. As soon as he learned how to crawl on all fours, he discovered that he could pull himself up and cruise. He's 10 months now. I am definitely a proud mama, if you couldn't already tell. He also likes to shriek when he's happy or upset. He has a few words: Mama, Dada, "Aai" (hi), and "eh-eh" (uh-oh). He loves to wave and clap.
I am tired but doing well. I've been busy going out to various play dates. At Luke's age, the play dates are more for me than him. Although he enjoys exploring the knobs, drawers, doors and curtains of other people's homes.
I am tired but doing well. I've been busy going out to various play dates. At Luke's age, the play dates are more for me than him. Although he enjoys exploring the knobs, drawers, doors and curtains of other people's homes.
15.1.08
A New Year
Yesterday marked the 3rd anniversary of my sister Ashley's death. The only thing I could think was that I can't believe it's been three years already; I haven't talked to her in over three years. Life is so precious and so easy to take for granted. I think about how fragile our existence really is. At the same time, I still fall prey to the daily grind. I still get annoyed by little things. Most of the time I am grateful for the little annoyances, though, because it means nothing big is wrong.
We got about 6 inches of snow yesterday. When it stopped, Zach and Luke and I walked down to the coffee shop and the local bookstore. It was all very cozy. Here are two pictures of Luke doing two of his favorite things-"eating" an apple and swinging.
We got about 6 inches of snow yesterday. When it stopped, Zach and Luke and I walked down to the coffee shop and the local bookstore. It was all very cozy. Here are two pictures of Luke doing two of his favorite things-"eating" an apple and swinging.
5.12.07
Batteries Not Required
We are all very excited about Luke's first Christmas. I bought him one gift, a set of wooden blocks, and Zach bought him one, a wooden puzzle. I gave him the blocks today, because I am bored with his other toys. Luke mainly likes to play with a little, red push car that he can walk behind, the muffin pan in the kitchen cabinet, and shoe laces. Luke, like all babies, doesn't discriminate between his toys and big-people stuff. I, however, am very particular about his toys. I like things like wooden blocks, stacking cups, soft baby dolls, and books. Luke has one battery operated toy, and that's a drum his cousin gave him because he loved it so much. Call me a toy snob, if you will, but I don't think Luke will feel deprived at Christmastime.
19.11.07
More Positives
Per Nancy's request, here are some more great things about some wonderful people I know.
Nancy- Knows how to take charge of a situation and make decisions. She is very thoughtful and loves to talk and be around close friends. She is very sensitive, captivating, and charming, not to mention pretty.
Zach- He is very caring, and wants to make sure his family and friends are taken care of. He is inquisitive, ambitious and efficient. He has beautiful, hazel eyes.
Myself- (I figured I needed to give myself a few accolades here as well.) I am very organized. I love a challenge, such as running a marathon or switching over to cloth diapers. I am resourceful, reliable, and sometimes overly anxious. I am often torn between wanting to be alone or around others. I find I prefer being around others, especially since Luke has come into my life. He has been teaching me how to give and take 24/7.
Nancy- Knows how to take charge of a situation and make decisions. She is very thoughtful and loves to talk and be around close friends. She is very sensitive, captivating, and charming, not to mention pretty.
Zach- He is very caring, and wants to make sure his family and friends are taken care of. He is inquisitive, ambitious and efficient. He has beautiful, hazel eyes.
Myself- (I figured I needed to give myself a few accolades here as well.) I am very organized. I love a challenge, such as running a marathon or switching over to cloth diapers. I am resourceful, reliable, and sometimes overly anxious. I am often torn between wanting to be alone or around others. I find I prefer being around others, especially since Luke has come into my life. He has been teaching me how to give and take 24/7.
15.11.07
Accentuating the Positive
It's very easy most times to dwell on the negative aspects of life. I've been thinking about Luke's extended family a lot lately, and there are so many great things I want him to know about all of his relatives.
On his paternal side:
Papa is a great conversationalist and can take up a dialogue with just about anybody.
Nane is very passionate about many things in life, and she loves books.
Aunt Jessica is very easy-going about many things that may make others upset, and she goes after what she wants in life.
Uncle Josh can pick up the pieces when life throws them about and has a great sense of humor.
On Luke's maternal side:
Oma has a great sense of humor and can make others laugh when times are tense. She is very sociable.
Opa is very calm and collected and knows how to fix many things. He's also a great cook
Aunt Alyssa is very deliberate in her actions and takes her time doing things. She is intelligent.
Aunt Ashley was a good resource for local happenings and involved in her community. She never took any nonsense from anybody.
These are just a few things that come to mind. It's refreshing to remember the good things about people from time to time.
On his paternal side:
Papa is a great conversationalist and can take up a dialogue with just about anybody.
Nane is very passionate about many things in life, and she loves books.
Aunt Jessica is very easy-going about many things that may make others upset, and she goes after what she wants in life.
Uncle Josh can pick up the pieces when life throws them about and has a great sense of humor.
On Luke's maternal side:
Oma has a great sense of humor and can make others laugh when times are tense. She is very sociable.
Opa is very calm and collected and knows how to fix many things. He's also a great cook
Aunt Alyssa is very deliberate in her actions and takes her time doing things. She is intelligent.
Aunt Ashley was a good resource for local happenings and involved in her community. She never took any nonsense from anybody.
These are just a few things that come to mind. It's refreshing to remember the good things about people from time to time.
13.11.07
Laying down the Foundation
Luke is almost 8 months old, and I can't help but think about the little boy, teenager and man he will become. How will what I do now as a parent affect him at each stage of his life? Of course every parent wants their child to be happy, healthy and successful in life, but what defines those things? I also know that it is impossible to ensure your own happiness let alone somebody else's happiness, because life can be full of sorrow and hardship. My years of suffering depression have shed some light on the issue of happiness in life. I've said this before, and it's important for me to remember, and so I say it again; the opposite of depression is not happiness but resilience. So how do I raise my son to be resilient? I want for him to make reasonably good decisions in life when it comes to the important stuff. This is what I'm struggling with right now. Just what is the important stuff? Right now it is developing healthy eating habits and learning how to socialize and communicate with me. I suppose these things change with time, and that they build on each other. I don't want him to watch lots of t.v. and eat lots of junk food, so I model my eating habits for him and keep the t.v. off for most of the day. On the other hand, junk food and t.v. are a part of our culture, so I don't want to ignore these things. I want to teach Luke about moderation, and I hope that he will like apples, fresh mango, and ripe avocado, and running around outside in the fresh air. I suppose at some point I will have to realize where my influence begins and ends, and let Luke make his own decisions.
9.11.07
Eating Broccoli
Luke really wants to do what the big people do, so that includes eating big-people food and attempting to walk. He holds onto my hands and takes steps around the living room. The only problem is that he has little to no balance. I want to place his hands on the edge of the futon so that he can "cruise" on his own, but he will fall backwards, as he has done on occasion. I feel awful when that happens.
If you look closely, you can see his two teeth in this shot.
If you look closely, you can see his two teeth in this shot.
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