13.11.07
Laying down the Foundation
Luke is almost 8 months old, and I can't help but think about the little boy, teenager and man he will become. How will what I do now as a parent affect him at each stage of his life? Of course every parent wants their child to be happy, healthy and successful in life, but what defines those things? I also know that it is impossible to ensure your own happiness let alone somebody else's happiness, because life can be full of sorrow and hardship. My years of suffering depression have shed some light on the issue of happiness in life. I've said this before, and it's important for me to remember, and so I say it again; the opposite of depression is not happiness but resilience. So how do I raise my son to be resilient? I want for him to make reasonably good decisions in life when it comes to the important stuff. This is what I'm struggling with right now. Just what is the important stuff? Right now it is developing healthy eating habits and learning how to socialize and communicate with me. I suppose these things change with time, and that they build on each other. I don't want him to watch lots of t.v. and eat lots of junk food, so I model my eating habits for him and keep the t.v. off for most of the day. On the other hand, junk food and t.v. are a part of our culture, so I don't want to ignore these things. I want to teach Luke about moderation, and I hope that he will like apples, fresh mango, and ripe avocado, and running around outside in the fresh air. I suppose at some point I will have to realize where my influence begins and ends, and let Luke make his own decisions.
9.11.07
Eating Broccoli
Luke really wants to do what the big people do, so that includes eating big-people food and attempting to walk. He holds onto my hands and takes steps around the living room. The only problem is that he has little to no balance. I want to place his hands on the edge of the futon so that he can "cruise" on his own, but he will fall backwards, as he has done on occasion. I feel awful when that happens.
If you look closely, you can see his two teeth in this shot.
If you look closely, you can see his two teeth in this shot.
7.11.07
Title
So I decided to change the title of this blog. The old title felt outdated. It was a remnant from times past, from my days as a graduate student studying German lit., and I felt like I needed a change. I'm not sure I'll keep this current title, but I like it for now. I sing this song to Luke on a daily basis, and so much of my day is directed at Luke, that it feels like an appropriate title. Sometimes I forget that I am a separate being from Luke, and I think that's a good thing early on when Luke and I were finding each other's rhythm. I was inspired by a post at Sweet Juniper yesterday about staying at home with your baby/toddler. This non-self proclaimed stay at home dad calls himself a professional daydreamer, and I like that.
5.11.07
Home with Colds
I always think I need to have something really interesting to say in order to post, but that may never happen. I also have limited blog time, which occurs when Luke is napping and I have already gotten ready for the day. I noticed that Nancy has been posting daily, and others, too, through the month of November. It's a great idea, and, though I won't be posting daily, it's inspired me to post now. I am still at a loss for what to write about, but I figure if I just keep punching away at the keys, something will come to mind.
* * * * * * *
I'm reading a book that was recommended to me by the proprietress of a store in Salem called "Crunchy Granola Babies". You can probably garner what kind of products are sold in the store. The book is called "Our Babies, Ourselves How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Parent" written by Meredith Small. It was published almost 10 years ago, and I don't know how I haven't come upon this book before now. It's a fascinating book with some snippets of childrearing in different cultures and how infants are hardwired to act in a way that's evolved over time and that really does make sense. I can't even begin to do this book justice here, especially because I haven't finished it yet. I can say that it's made me think more than usual about the way we do things as parents and how there might be alternatives to the usual and accepted ways. There are chapters on infant sleep, feeding, and crying, and I've already read ahead to the part on sleep. Pediatricians, parents, grandparents and sleep experts in the US all have very pointed ideas on how and where babies should sleep. The only thing I want to say is that a lot of it is based on fad and tradition, and that parents and babies need to listen to each other, not all the Dr. Spocks of the world.
Naptime is over, and so is my blogtime.
Until next time...
* * * * * * *
I'm reading a book that was recommended to me by the proprietress of a store in Salem called "Crunchy Granola Babies". You can probably garner what kind of products are sold in the store. The book is called "Our Babies, Ourselves How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Parent" written by Meredith Small. It was published almost 10 years ago, and I don't know how I haven't come upon this book before now. It's a fascinating book with some snippets of childrearing in different cultures and how infants are hardwired to act in a way that's evolved over time and that really does make sense. I can't even begin to do this book justice here, especially because I haven't finished it yet. I can say that it's made me think more than usual about the way we do things as parents and how there might be alternatives to the usual and accepted ways. There are chapters on infant sleep, feeding, and crying, and I've already read ahead to the part on sleep. Pediatricians, parents, grandparents and sleep experts in the US all have very pointed ideas on how and where babies should sleep. The only thing I want to say is that a lot of it is based on fad and tradition, and that parents and babies need to listen to each other, not all the Dr. Spocks of the world.
Naptime is over, and so is my blogtime.
Until next time...
18.10.07
Our Days Together
Luke turns 7 months old today.
He sleeps through the night now, and I wake up at 3:00 a.m. not knowing what to do with myself.
He has two teeth.
He likes to test his vocal chords by yelling and growling.
Sometimes he likes to eat food. Yogurt is his new favorite food. He also likes little bites of bagel with cream cheese.
He moves in a circle on his hands and knees.
He plays with his toys and waves both hands in the air. He likes to bang things together.
He gives me open-mouth kisses on my chin. Sometimes he bites down.
He loves to snuggle and hates to be left alone.
I like to sing him songs and read him stories.
I watch him sleep.
I imitate his sounds.
I talk to him all day long, so much so that my voice starts to get sore.
I play with him on the floor.
I take him swimming at the Y once a week.
We walk to the park or the beach.
When/IF he naps, I like to read my own books, cook, watch t.v. or nap right along with him.
Our days are full, and sometimes mundane, but, more often than not, interesting and bright.
9.10.07
In case anybody still checks my blog, "Look! I've posted!"
Okay, so it's been almost an entire year since I've posted anything here. I really wanted to get rid of the lovely belly shots that come up every time I look at my blog, which admittedly isn't very often.
So, here is my "welcome back to blogging post", although I still can't guarantee much, not with a 6 1/2 month old crawling around my feet. I had a boy. His name is Luke, and he's incredible. At first I didn't know what I would do with a boy, and now I don't know what I would do without him. He's very cuddly, and he doesn't really cry. He yells whenever he wants something or needs us. He also growls and makes other scary noises. He sits up, eats, sleeps, poops, and giggles a lot. He doesn't miss a trick.
In other news, Zoe, the family dog, died this past Sunday. She was almost 11 years old and had a very good life. It's still sad. I'm 400 miles away, and it still makes me cry. No more walks and howls when I walk through the door. She was Ashley's dog, so I like to think that the two of them are together again.
Here's to hoping I can post more often.
So, here is my "welcome back to blogging post", although I still can't guarantee much, not with a 6 1/2 month old crawling around my feet. I had a boy. His name is Luke, and he's incredible. At first I didn't know what I would do with a boy, and now I don't know what I would do without him. He's very cuddly, and he doesn't really cry. He yells whenever he wants something or needs us. He also growls and makes other scary noises. He sits up, eats, sleeps, poops, and giggles a lot. He doesn't miss a trick.
In other news, Zoe, the family dog, died this past Sunday. She was almost 11 years old and had a very good life. It's still sad. I'm 400 miles away, and it still makes me cry. No more walks and howls when I walk through the door. She was Ashley's dog, so I like to think that the two of them are together again.
Here's to hoping I can post more often.
11.12.06
8.11.06
Belly Shots
16 Weeks
20 Weeks
I am now almost 22 weeks, and quite a bit bigger. The baby, a boy!, is pushing outward now. I've gained about 10 pounds, and he's already about 1 pound.
30.8.06
I haven't started taking pictures of my belly yet, but here's some other baby stuff
I now have an excuse for making mistakes, and I don't mean being blonde. Actually, I am (usually) disturbingly organized and on top of things. Lately, in the office, I've been making goofy mistakes, like mistaking the "M" or "F" written after a child's name for Monday and Friday. My director laughed at me when I asked her if those were the days the child was attending the after school program. So we determined that the baby is sapping me of precious brain cells. I keep trying anyway. I've done gone and booked myself solid with appointments over the next three weeks-ob/gyn, WIC, visiting nurse, and dentist among others. This will be my first dental visit in 7 years, that is if I remember to go. Wish me luck.
In other pregnancy news...
*Women at work who never so much as glanced in my direction are now telling me pregnancy and birth stories. I'm about three months along, but am not even showing yet. What will happen once I have a belly? I'm bracing myself already for all the stories I will hear from strangers and all the unwanted hands I will have touching my belly. Actually, I don't mind the nice and funny stories. I haven't heard any real horror stories yet.
*I've been eating dinner at 4:00 the past few days, and I love anything with tomatoes and ketchup. I haven't experienced a lot of hunger yet, but I get glimpses of it. I definately have cravings and food aversions.
*My bust is about 3 inches larger than normal. Wow.
*My waist is about 1 inch larger.
*I get up a lot in the middle of the night to pee. Already.
*I'm still really tired, and I haven't run in over two months. I walk instead.
In other pregnancy news...
*Women at work who never so much as glanced in my direction are now telling me pregnancy and birth stories. I'm about three months along, but am not even showing yet. What will happen once I have a belly? I'm bracing myself already for all the stories I will hear from strangers and all the unwanted hands I will have touching my belly. Actually, I don't mind the nice and funny stories. I haven't heard any real horror stories yet.
*I've been eating dinner at 4:00 the past few days, and I love anything with tomatoes and ketchup. I haven't experienced a lot of hunger yet, but I get glimpses of it. I definately have cravings and food aversions.
*My bust is about 3 inches larger than normal. Wow.
*My waist is about 1 inch larger.
*I get up a lot in the middle of the night to pee. Already.
*I'm still really tired, and I haven't run in over two months. I walk instead.
24.8.06
Pregnancy Update
Zach and I have been on Cape Cod visiting his family for the past 4 days, and we'll be here until Sunday, the last day of our vacation. Monday Zach starts teaching and I have to go into work for the first time in over two weeks to start planning for the fall afterschool program. I keep reminding myself every morning to enjoy the moment and relax, and then maybe I'll feel ready to go back to work. I'll let you know how that plan works out.
In the meantime, we've been visiting Zach's family, including his very-pregnant (37 weeks along) sister and his cousin who is 2 months postpartum, adjusting to life with a two-month old and an almost-2-year old. I still find it hard to believe that I'll be that pregnant in as little as 2 more months, and that I'll have a real, live baby in less than 7 months. I haven't gained any weight yet. In fact, I lost about 2 pounds the first two months, but I may have regained that by now. According to some weight tables about pregnancy, I'm underweight. My bmi is about 18, and should be 20. It has never been 20 in my life. I was a bit anxious about it all for the first few weeks, and I was eating frequently trying to make up for it. I eat until I feel Thanksgiving- day stuffed, and then I'm uncomfortable. I don't think I'm eating that much, it's just the gas and bloating that makes it feel that way. I'm eating a healthy diet, and I think I need to trust my body and let it do what it knows how to do. I'm sure the weight will come, and then I won't want it.
In the meantime, we've been visiting Zach's family, including his very-pregnant (37 weeks along) sister and his cousin who is 2 months postpartum, adjusting to life with a two-month old and an almost-2-year old. I still find it hard to believe that I'll be that pregnant in as little as 2 more months, and that I'll have a real, live baby in less than 7 months. I haven't gained any weight yet. In fact, I lost about 2 pounds the first two months, but I may have regained that by now. According to some weight tables about pregnancy, I'm underweight. My bmi is about 18, and should be 20. It has never been 20 in my life. I was a bit anxious about it all for the first few weeks, and I was eating frequently trying to make up for it. I eat until I feel Thanksgiving- day stuffed, and then I'm uncomfortable. I don't think I'm eating that much, it's just the gas and bloating that makes it feel that way. I'm eating a healthy diet, and I think I need to trust my body and let it do what it knows how to do. I'm sure the weight will come, and then I won't want it.
18.8.06
An Eeyore kind of day
Yesterday I went ALL THE WAY (not a bad one to two mile walk, when you're not pregnant. I drove half way and walked half way.) up to campus in order to deposit a few checks in the campus credit union atm. My work doesn't have direct deposit, and my bank is 130 miles away. The computers were down at the bank yesterday, so the machines were all off line. **sigh** A useless trip. I went up again today, and this time I was denied the deposit transaction, although I could still take money out. I just activated my new debit card yesterday and cut up the old one. Argh.
Next I decided I would fill up my car with gas, because Zach and I are driving out to Cape Cod on Sunday to visit his parents for a week. The gas tank door is jammed shut again. We had it "fixed" a few days ago at the Toyota dealer. Apparentely a spring had gone bad. You can't just open the door like on a normal car. Instead you have to release it by a small lever inside the car next to the trunk release. It's not working.
So then I thought I'd call my new health insurance company (because it's always calming to speak to a health insurance co. agent, no? I just wanted to get it out of the way.) to see what mental health coverage they provide and if I can still continue to see Janet, my therapist, when my new coverage begins. It turns out Health America is switching to a new provider who probably won't cover any of the $100.00 sessions. I currently pay $30.00 a session. I'm sure she and I can work some payment plan out, or maybe this is a good time to terminate, as they say in the mental health field. I think I've gotten as much as I could expect out of 4 years of therapy, and I'm happy with where I'm at now. Sometimes it's just nice to have that weekly or bi-monthly hour-long session to sort things out.
Despite it all, I can still see the bright side, the Pooh side, of things, too.
There are plenty of things that have gone right lately. I signed up for WIC, and am now getting $10-$20.00 worth of milk and juice each week, and cheese, cereal and peanut butter each month for free. I also got 4 $5.00 checks to use at farmer's markets for fresh produce. Today I bought a yellow and green pepper, a sweet onion, garlic, and hot peppers to make a chicken stir fry for dinner. I also picked up some DVDs from the library, and if I don't feel too nauseous tonight, maybe I can stay up until 10:00 watching them with Zach. Did I mention that I'll be in Cape Cod for a week? That's worth something. I'm surprisingly calm about all of the things that have gone wrong. They could be worse. But just to make it all better I'm eating the last chocolate chip cookie (the last 3, actually).
Next I decided I would fill up my car with gas, because Zach and I are driving out to Cape Cod on Sunday to visit his parents for a week. The gas tank door is jammed shut again. We had it "fixed" a few days ago at the Toyota dealer. Apparentely a spring had gone bad. You can't just open the door like on a normal car. Instead you have to release it by a small lever inside the car next to the trunk release. It's not working.
So then I thought I'd call my new health insurance company (because it's always calming to speak to a health insurance co. agent, no? I just wanted to get it out of the way.) to see what mental health coverage they provide and if I can still continue to see Janet, my therapist, when my new coverage begins. It turns out Health America is switching to a new provider who probably won't cover any of the $100.00 sessions. I currently pay $30.00 a session. I'm sure she and I can work some payment plan out, or maybe this is a good time to terminate, as they say in the mental health field. I think I've gotten as much as I could expect out of 4 years of therapy, and I'm happy with where I'm at now. Sometimes it's just nice to have that weekly or bi-monthly hour-long session to sort things out.
Despite it all, I can still see the bright side, the Pooh side, of things, too.
There are plenty of things that have gone right lately. I signed up for WIC, and am now getting $10-$20.00 worth of milk and juice each week, and cheese, cereal and peanut butter each month for free. I also got 4 $5.00 checks to use at farmer's markets for fresh produce. Today I bought a yellow and green pepper, a sweet onion, garlic, and hot peppers to make a chicken stir fry for dinner. I also picked up some DVDs from the library, and if I don't feel too nauseous tonight, maybe I can stay up until 10:00 watching them with Zach. Did I mention that I'll be in Cape Cod for a week? That's worth something. I'm surprisingly calm about all of the things that have gone wrong. They could be worse. But just to make it all better I'm eating the last chocolate chip cookie (the last 3, actually).
16.8.06
In a Nutshell
There's so much to say that I hardly know where to begin. First of all, I did try to log on to Blogger to update last week, but it was during the 45 minute period they were shut down due to maintenance. I got discouraged and didn't try again until now. Here's a quick run down of everything I want to mention.
* Today is Zach's and my 3rd wedding anniversary. We will go out to eat tonight, but it has to be before 6 p.m., after which I need to go to bed. I am already cranky today. It may be from the cold/allergies I have. I was never good at telling them apart.
* Last weekend I went to a lesbian wedding up in NH. No, it's not legal there, but they had already gotten married in MA last November and just had the ceremony along Lake Winnepesauki ("What About Bob?"). It was a beautiful wedding and a beautiful setting.
* Last week I had my first appointment with the midwife, and we saw the heart beating. This office routinely does an early ultrasound, which was totally awesome. The embryo looks to be about the size of a large cashew, as Zach says, and everything looks perfect, said the midwife. I started to get teary-eyed, but everytime I moved it shifted the image, so I had to stay as still as possible. I was also told that the morning sickness should not get any worse at this point, and should start to wear off in about 3 more weeks. I am getting tired of feeling crappy, but I know it's all for a good reason.
* Today is Zach's and my 3rd wedding anniversary. We will go out to eat tonight, but it has to be before 6 p.m., after which I need to go to bed. I am already cranky today. It may be from the cold/allergies I have. I was never good at telling them apart.
* Last weekend I went to a lesbian wedding up in NH. No, it's not legal there, but they had already gotten married in MA last November and just had the ceremony along Lake Winnepesauki ("What About Bob?"). It was a beautiful wedding and a beautiful setting.
* Last week I had my first appointment with the midwife, and we saw the heart beating. This office routinely does an early ultrasound, which was totally awesome. The embryo looks to be about the size of a large cashew, as Zach says, and everything looks perfect, said the midwife. I started to get teary-eyed, but everytime I moved it shifted the image, so I had to stay as still as possible. I was also told that the morning sickness should not get any worse at this point, and should start to wear off in about 3 more weeks. I am getting tired of feeling crappy, but I know it's all for a good reason.
27.7.06
7:30 Thursday Night
This past week has marked the beginning of morning sickness. I haven't actually vomited, but I feel nauseous nearly ALL DAY LOOOONG. This morning was the worst. I laid down on the grass at work and finally went to my car to take an hour-long nap, but not before calling the advice nurse in desparation for some advice and relief. In short, there is none. She suggested doing what I have been doing-sipping ginger ale, eating crackers and other bland foods, and eating small, frequent meals to avoid a dip in my blood sugar and headaches. I felt remarkably better by noon, and even ate the chicken noodle soup one of the girls at work bought for me. It is hard to eat, but when I do, it's foods I don't normally eat-french fries, grilled cheese, beef vegetable soup, and pizza. I haven't had a piece of fruit in over a week, and normally I'm the 2-a-day girl along with 3 servings of vegetables and the "right" amounts of every other food group. My diet is turned on its head. I walked throught the grocery store tonight with Zach looking at foods and determing what I might want to eat in the next few days by my gag reflex. If I could look at it and didn't feel like wretching, then I might be able to eat it. That list included: chicken and beef soups, black beans, canned sweet potatoes, cream of wheat, and fruit popsicles. Sometimes I can also tolerate cheese. It's nearing my bedtime, which is at about 8:00 now, so I need to shower and get ready for tomorrow. More to come soon...
16.7.06
5 Weeks
Today I am five weeks pregnant. I am cautious, anxious, and very excited right now. I know it's early, but I still wanted to share the news. I'm feeling pretty good, only slightly nauseous with slightly irritated bowels. There'll be plenty more to come later (in the way of both news and symptoms, I'm sure).
2.7.06
Nancy's Shower
And it was literally a shower. There were torrential downpours and flash floods, remniscent of my wedding. My mom and I drove to Downingtown from King of Prussia. When we got off Rt. 30 at the Thorndale exit, there was a creek where the road should have been. I have never experienced anything like it. I was driving, and I just drove right on through the rapids and past the driftwood and logs. First I made sure the other cars made it, then I went through. With a little perseverance, and some stupidity (I'm told you shouldn't drive through water if you can't see the road), we got back on the bypass and made it to Nancy's shower. We had a great time. It was nice seeing and meeting some of Nancy's family and friends. I look forward to the wedding. Of the dozens of pictures I blinded Nancy by taking, here are some of my favorites.
Good luck Nancy and Michael with the apt. search out in LA! I can't wait to hear all about your travels and experiences.
Good luck Nancy and Michael with the apt. search out in LA! I can't wait to hear all about your travels and experiences.
2.6.06
I'm writing about work
I am feeling terrible right now. It involves some of the kids I work with and some bullying. I knew there was something going on between one boy and one girl, some negative comments and poking fun at. I stepped in whenever I saw it. I asked the girl if she was okay. I put the boy on time out, called his mom, had him apologize. No matter what I do, he doesn't seem to care. The thing is, I still like this boy. I don't think he's a bad kid. No kid is bad.
Sometimes the girl would tell me of an incident several days later. She seemed annoyed, and yet okay. She told her mom about it today, and her mom was very angry and upset, not with me, but upset just the same. I listened mostly and explained what I see and do. I encouraged her to write the principal (her idea), because that way she could express her anger in a constructive manner. I feel like I could have done something sooner. I feel like I should have stepped in sooner. I only have a small inkling of that deeply protective mothering instinct. There were even tears in her eyes. I told her it hurts me when I hear the negative remarks, too, because it does. I didn't really know what to say. I just feel bad.
Sometimes the girl would tell me of an incident several days later. She seemed annoyed, and yet okay. She told her mom about it today, and her mom was very angry and upset, not with me, but upset just the same. I listened mostly and explained what I see and do. I encouraged her to write the principal (her idea), because that way she could express her anger in a constructive manner. I feel like I could have done something sooner. I feel like I should have stepped in sooner. I only have a small inkling of that deeply protective mothering instinct. There were even tears in her eyes. I told her it hurts me when I hear the negative remarks, too, because it does. I didn't really know what to say. I just feel bad.
21.5.06
Adulthood
Lately, I've been reading some of the blogs linked to Nancy's. Many of them are blogs written by mothers. I like reading mommy blogs and blogs about babies. My first encounter with blogs was The Trixie Update. I was visiting Nancy in Cincinnati about two years ago when she showed me some of the blogs she had started following, including that one. It wasn't long after that she started her own and convinced me to do the same. Actually, she tried to convince me to start one first. We talked about thinking about our lives in bloggable terms. We started narrating daily events in our heads, and, for me, it helped create a distinction between my lingering depression and me. It helped, and still helps, me to see things objectively. I never thought I would still be blogging almost two years later. It has helped me feel more connected to my friends and to many others who read my blog. Sometimes when I don't feel like writing, I will still post something for the internet. So much has happened in the past two, three years. When I began this blog, I had been married for a little over a year. Nancy once suggested on her blog that I post about my almost-turned-fiasco wedding. So here is an overview.
Wedding
It boiled down to almost losing the family dog (I found her about 1 hour before the ceremony was to begin out in the neighborhood while it was raining with my hair and makeup done. I was the only one not dressed yet, so it made the most sense for me to look for Zoe.), lots of thunder and torrential downpours, flooded roads and fires near the renovated barn where I was planning an outdoor reception, and no electricity. I was so happy to have found Zoe, that I almost didn't care what the ceremony would look like. We found a generator, and that gave us enough power for the little white lights wrapped around the beams and some music for the reception. We had candles all around, and I walked down a makeshift aisle created by the tables and chairs that were supposed to be outside under the flooded, mudcaked tent area. The rain eventually stopped, and it was cool for an August day. We made our way outside for dancing later in the evening. It was quite a memorable day. I was teary-eyed throughout the entire ceremony, because I looked at Ashley standing up front and heard a small sob, which ricocheted to my dad and then to me. I hadn't expected that. I really had to concentrate on holding back audible sobs. Everyone who said they were coming made it. I was really happy with the way the day turned out, and only wish it could have lasted longer.
Depression and Suicidal Ideation
I don't mean to imply here that marriage led to my depression. It's just the order in which things happened, and my depression is something I've wanted to write about here for some time. It is a major factor in my transition into adulthood, and I'd like to share it with you.
The first year and a half of marriage was difficult, to say the least. Zach and I hadn't lived together or even in the same state for over four years. He moved into what was my apt., and we quickly had to adjust to each other's presence. I didn't adjust. I can see now all the little things that contributed to my depression, and I think back to a quote I read somewhere about how the opposite of depression is not happiness, but resilience. I was not resilient. I had just gotten married, was finishing up my last semester of coursework for my PhD in German lit., which I wasn't even sure I wanted. I was helping TA for two different classes, I was studying for my comprehensive exam, both the written and oral, which I took and passed that November and December, I was training for a marathon, which I ran in October, and then Ashley got sick, which is what helped push me over the edge. Come December, I was done with all my coursework, exams, and had completed the marathon. It was dark and cold, and I was up in Massachusetts with Zach's family for the holidays. Meanwhile, back in Lancaster, my own family was broken. I still feel that way, what with Ashley now dead and Alyssa being mentally ill and having minimal contact with us. I still remember very clearly the first time it occurred to me that I could stop all this pain and misery with a few quick flicks of a razor blade, some vodka, and the big bottle of extra-strength Tylenol in the medicine cabinet. It was a Wednesday night in January, I was in the bathtub, and Zach was doing work. The thoughts entered my head seemingly out of nowhere. I envisioned myself lying in bloody bath water and tried to think about how it might feel to die that way. The next morning I couldn't shake those thoughts, and they were starting to freak me out. That's when the cutting began. I got home from a run, pulled out a pocket knife and scratched at my wrist. I thought if I could practice, then maybe in a little while I'd be able to really do IT. I felt immensely better afterwards. The cutting took on a life of its own. For the next two months, it became a release for me. It's what led me to the psych ward of the local hospital, and, ironically, probably what helped save me. It let me express physically what I couldn't put into words. Before I got the help I needed, though, I slipped down into some dark hole that I couldn't pull myself out of, not even with the help of my friends and family. I felt alone and miserable. I started swallowing the tylenol one afternoon. I got up to 9 pills before I stopped. I really didn't want to die. I wanted the pain to stop. I beat myself up for not being able to follow through with it. It made me feel worse about myself. Ashley convinced me to talk to my therapist, who eventually helped convince me to go away to a treatment center in AZ. Once I made the decision to go, things began looking up. Zach and I still weren't on good terms, and wouldn't be for another year or more. He didn't understand what was wrong and why I had to go, and there's still a lot of tension around the whole topic. It was less than a year later that Ashley died. This is all stuff that I've written about extensively in my own journals, and each time it feels a little less unbelievable. This is what really happened, and some days I am amazed at the human capacity for pain and suffering, and now, more recently, also at the capacity for happiness and love. I still don't have access to the words to describe what I felt and feel now. *I learned through my suffering that no human being is immune to the pain inherent in life. All people are connected through sadness and grief, and, as Nancy pointed out to me recently, they are also connected through love, joy and the myriad of emotions known to mankind that don't even have words to describe them.
*Here's where I stand on my soapbox.
Back to the Beginning
I started this post talking about mommy blogs, because I've been thinking more and more about having a baby, and soon. I am older than many of the mommies from those blogs, and I can't imagine having started a family before now. I am amazed at the number of women younger than I am who choose to start families. Nancy and I talk about how there is no set order to the way we are supposed to do things in life. As an adult, I can choose how I want to live my life. I am finally choosing what I want instead of what I think I should want. I am also finding the joy in my connections with other people. We really aren't alone in life, not if we choose to rely on other people. It's not a sign of weakness, as I once thought, but a sign of being human and of being healthy. It feels good to share not just the bad experiences, but also the good ones with other people.
Wedding
It boiled down to almost losing the family dog (I found her about 1 hour before the ceremony was to begin out in the neighborhood while it was raining with my hair and makeup done. I was the only one not dressed yet, so it made the most sense for me to look for Zoe.), lots of thunder and torrential downpours, flooded roads and fires near the renovated barn where I was planning an outdoor reception, and no electricity. I was so happy to have found Zoe, that I almost didn't care what the ceremony would look like. We found a generator, and that gave us enough power for the little white lights wrapped around the beams and some music for the reception. We had candles all around, and I walked down a makeshift aisle created by the tables and chairs that were supposed to be outside under the flooded, mudcaked tent area. The rain eventually stopped, and it was cool for an August day. We made our way outside for dancing later in the evening. It was quite a memorable day. I was teary-eyed throughout the entire ceremony, because I looked at Ashley standing up front and heard a small sob, which ricocheted to my dad and then to me. I hadn't expected that. I really had to concentrate on holding back audible sobs. Everyone who said they were coming made it. I was really happy with the way the day turned out, and only wish it could have lasted longer.
Depression and Suicidal Ideation
I don't mean to imply here that marriage led to my depression. It's just the order in which things happened, and my depression is something I've wanted to write about here for some time. It is a major factor in my transition into adulthood, and I'd like to share it with you.
The first year and a half of marriage was difficult, to say the least. Zach and I hadn't lived together or even in the same state for over four years. He moved into what was my apt., and we quickly had to adjust to each other's presence. I didn't adjust. I can see now all the little things that contributed to my depression, and I think back to a quote I read somewhere about how the opposite of depression is not happiness, but resilience. I was not resilient. I had just gotten married, was finishing up my last semester of coursework for my PhD in German lit., which I wasn't even sure I wanted. I was helping TA for two different classes, I was studying for my comprehensive exam, both the written and oral, which I took and passed that November and December, I was training for a marathon, which I ran in October, and then Ashley got sick, which is what helped push me over the edge. Come December, I was done with all my coursework, exams, and had completed the marathon. It was dark and cold, and I was up in Massachusetts with Zach's family for the holidays. Meanwhile, back in Lancaster, my own family was broken. I still feel that way, what with Ashley now dead and Alyssa being mentally ill and having minimal contact with us. I still remember very clearly the first time it occurred to me that I could stop all this pain and misery with a few quick flicks of a razor blade, some vodka, and the big bottle of extra-strength Tylenol in the medicine cabinet. It was a Wednesday night in January, I was in the bathtub, and Zach was doing work. The thoughts entered my head seemingly out of nowhere. I envisioned myself lying in bloody bath water and tried to think about how it might feel to die that way. The next morning I couldn't shake those thoughts, and they were starting to freak me out. That's when the cutting began. I got home from a run, pulled out a pocket knife and scratched at my wrist. I thought if I could practice, then maybe in a little while I'd be able to really do IT. I felt immensely better afterwards. The cutting took on a life of its own. For the next two months, it became a release for me. It's what led me to the psych ward of the local hospital, and, ironically, probably what helped save me. It let me express physically what I couldn't put into words. Before I got the help I needed, though, I slipped down into some dark hole that I couldn't pull myself out of, not even with the help of my friends and family. I felt alone and miserable. I started swallowing the tylenol one afternoon. I got up to 9 pills before I stopped. I really didn't want to die. I wanted the pain to stop. I beat myself up for not being able to follow through with it. It made me feel worse about myself. Ashley convinced me to talk to my therapist, who eventually helped convince me to go away to a treatment center in AZ. Once I made the decision to go, things began looking up. Zach and I still weren't on good terms, and wouldn't be for another year or more. He didn't understand what was wrong and why I had to go, and there's still a lot of tension around the whole topic. It was less than a year later that Ashley died. This is all stuff that I've written about extensively in my own journals, and each time it feels a little less unbelievable. This is what really happened, and some days I am amazed at the human capacity for pain and suffering, and now, more recently, also at the capacity for happiness and love. I still don't have access to the words to describe what I felt and feel now. *I learned through my suffering that no human being is immune to the pain inherent in life. All people are connected through sadness and grief, and, as Nancy pointed out to me recently, they are also connected through love, joy and the myriad of emotions known to mankind that don't even have words to describe them.
*Here's where I stand on my soapbox.
Back to the Beginning
I started this post talking about mommy blogs, because I've been thinking more and more about having a baby, and soon. I am older than many of the mommies from those blogs, and I can't imagine having started a family before now. I am amazed at the number of women younger than I am who choose to start families. Nancy and I talk about how there is no set order to the way we are supposed to do things in life. As an adult, I can choose how I want to live my life. I am finally choosing what I want instead of what I think I should want. I am also finding the joy in my connections with other people. We really aren't alone in life, not if we choose to rely on other people. It's not a sign of weakness, as I once thought, but a sign of being human and of being healthy. It feels good to share not just the bad experiences, but also the good ones with other people.
11.5.06
Burlinton, VT/UVM/Our trip from end to beginning
Pomeroy Hall. This is where the communicative disorders dept. is located. I met with the dept. head for about an hour Monday afternoon. She was very friendly and enthusiastic, and I asked as many questions as I could think of in that hour. I enjoyed my visit, but I am still as ambivalent as before I took the trip. Zach and I have been weighing the pros and cons, and I think it will come down to us deciding how sick of State College we are.
University of Vermont
Bomoseen Golfland, near Bomoseen Lake and in the town of Bomoseen. This became the butt of a joke for at least an hour as my mom and I were driving up to Burlington. Who the hell is Bomo? What else did Bomo seen? We were waiting for the "Bomo for Mayor" lawn sign, but we didn't seen it.
Burlington, VT
Church Street, the main pedestrian shopping area in Burlington. My mom was disconcerted by the number of seedy-looking men just hanging around all day doing. My sister-in-law, who used to live in Burlington, informed us that they closed down the state mental hospital a few years ago. I am certainly of the mindset that mentally ill people should not be kept hidden away from society, and at the same time, I don't like to be yelled at and pestered for money. There are about 35,000 people in Burlington, which is about the same size as State College. The surrounding area of Burlington was more desolate than SC.
One of the replica lighthouses on Lake Champlain (at sunset).
We followed this truck for several miles on our way home. Look closely at the logo.
The tattoo I almost chickened out of. It's a silouhette of a small butterfly (in case you can't tell) with Ash written beneath it. It's on the back of my left leg, just above my ankle. I wanted it closer to my ankle, but the area was too narrow. It only took about 10 minutes, and it hurt, but I didn't faint. It felt like small razor blades cutting into my skin, but the vibrations of the needle helped numb most of the pain. My mom got a pink and blue butterfly with Ashley's initials, AVE, on the inside of her right wrist. It was definately the highlight of our trip.
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